don't talk about it

when i talk about it, i get so emotional. i just cry. i can't handle it when i have to share. it's just better if i keep it to myself. i don't like to show others how vurenable i can be. i don't like to burden others with my issues. and if i don't talk about it, it's okay. i can deal with it. let me deal with it my own way. i can't have everything i know, but just let me keep this issue to myself. it's the only way i can cope.

day to day

they say it gets better every day and it really does, but it also reminder of what it was and what i had. i'm grateful for what i have now. but deep down inside, some days, it's just too much to bear. i'm not okay today. tomorrow i will as i was yesterday. sometimes the pain of losing is a bit much. i may hide it well, but only in my privacy will i shed my tears of sorrow and my cries of pain. in front of others is only when i can shower my love and smile with my happiness. i'm not tring to be like this, i just choose and think that this is how i should display my feelings. i'm not wrong, i just don't want people questioning my day to day living.

as if the day to day thing is hard, it's the moments where i have these memories that come flashing through. so vivid and colourful, it's so blinding. great moments to horrible moments with everyone and everything. it's almost too much to bear sometimes.

i've put all my time and energy to love. but why do i still like i'm not completely full? he says we are hanging on a thread...i know we are. but in these darkest hours...i've never loved him more...yet i'm not feeling like i should be full? i want to be full, i want to feel whole, i want to feel like how i used to. i don't want to go through these days with these moments. i just want to be happy. could it be that i no longer love myself? that i hate myself? that i can't forgive myself? or that i'm loving when i'm lost and i can't find my way out with love?