fears and tears

when i say i love you, i mean it. when i say i miss you, i meant it too. when i say i need you, i really need you. when you stop hearing those things coming from my mouth you should start to worry.

a couple of my fears are for not a single soul to not understand me at all. and as of late, it's a big thing. i try so hard to explain and make it clear, but nothing! it seems like no one wants to take me serious enough. i'm tired of this. i'm 27, i don't need to be looked at as a mindless, careless and irresponsible 17 year old! i know what i want and i know what i don't need. when i say something don't look at me like i'm crazy. and yes, i may come off as a little "off", but i know what it is that i want. even if it's a bad idea. i tend to be not right in the head, but these crazy things that i think of and come up with are what i feel is right. so when you laugh in my face, remember that you just killed a little at a time.

when i shed a tear, it means that i care enough for you to cry. even if i don't know you, you obviously had that kind of impact on me. don't take me for granted and don't think that i'm that emotional. there is a life force connection of some sort that i can feel your pain, sorrow and happiness that i can cry and laugh and feel the same way you do. don't for one second think i'm faking it. i don't fake my emotions.

i don't ask for much, but when i do ask for your undivided attention, i really need it. it means that i'm out of sorts and i need someone to just be there for me. a shoulder to cry on, a friend to make me laugh or just someone to hold me. i and self sufficent enough to do things on my own, but when i say i need you, i really need you. meaning i've done everything that i can already and i can't do this alone. don't deny me, i won't resent it nor will i hold a grudge. what i get from that will be don't ask them again. and maybe you will think twice about it. i will continue on doing things for you, until i feel that i don't need to anymore. and when that happens, you won't realize that you just lost someone.

i'm not a child, just tell me what you want. i'm telling you what i want. just keep it real with me.

what you think you know about me

whatever it is that you think you know about me isn't what you thought you did, it's what you assumed you knew. time has come and passed, no one ever stays the same. we are humans and humans are made to adapt. for whatever reason that you can't adapt, i'm sorry, but you will be left behind to be ridiculed.

i'm sorry if i'm a mess, but if you can't help me in any way, just tell me, i'm fine without your help. just don't make a poor excuse and pretend that you do care and that you do want to help. save your pity for someone else who can't tell the difference between pity and sympathy.

i'm sick and tired of everyone telling me what is good for me. if that's the case then just let me leave and don't present me with your issues. if i can't handle my own issues, doesn't that mean i can't help you solve your's? and if we were friends, wouldn't you want to help me solve my problems as well? why is it that i feel like i'm only there for you but when i need someone the most, everyone is quick to turn their shoulders on me? there is a reason why i have no friends.

lonely is what i'll have to accept. i can't deal with two faced people who claim to be things that they can't. or make promises that they can't keep. and make plans that fall through. i go through this every couple of months. why can't i find people who are on my level?!

i'm not the same person i was a five-ten years ago, let alone last year.

just be real with me. that's all i'm asking.

which bad friend are you?

fake friends all around me. when i need you, you ain't no where to be found. i never asked for you fucken advice i just want you to just shut the fuck up and just listen. stop trying to act like you know what the fuck i'm going through, because last i checked, you didn't know me when it happened. nor do you know what it is because you ain't never been in a relationship or never really had any real friends.

i'm also getting very fucken tired of listening to your repeat of a fucken problem. talking about the same issue you've have for years. bitch, if you don't like the situation, change it. this shit ain't no phase. if it was a phase, you'd be so over it already. quit lying to yourself.

a good friend is hard to find, unfortunately, in our friendship, it seems to only be one way. i was the good friend. i was the one you could trust. i can't trust you. because i can't even count on you for simple things. yes we get together and nothing has changed, but i can't deal with people who claim to be my good friend with tons of baggages.

letting a man change who you are, what you do, who you hang out with and everything else is just fucken wrong. i can't be that friend who waits on your hand and feet when you do that to your fucken man. sorry, i have a life and though it may not be the greateset, i love it. do you love your pathetic life?

nothing changes a friendship more than mixed and confused feelings. just let it be. ride it out like how a woman rides a dick. for goodness sake!!! you want this, then you want that! i give and i give to you what you ask for, but everytime i do as you say, you want something else. well, in that case fuck it. i ain't got the time. when i let you go, you will be sorry as fuck and lonely like where you were for the past five years.

the only thing that i realized in this short life of mine, is that i can only count on myself. friends comes and go, when i went through my absolute low, my rock bottom, none of you bitches were there. the only one person who was there to pick up my broken body, my shattered heart and my dashed hopes was the man i thought i was going to use. sad where i'm at, which is great, and where you are. no one will ever comprend me and i prefer it like that.

my life is mine. your life is your's. stop trying to fuck with mine.

the convient friend.

is it really that neccessary for you to repeatedly make plans with me and blow me off after i've clearly cleared my whole schedule out for you? do you really have to answer my question? no. know why? because i already know the answer to my own question. what is it you ask? the answer to that is yes. not sure if you know you are doing it, you are. i just don't know if it's intentional or accidental. whatever the case may be, i really don't give a crap. you tell me, "oh, let's get together and do something soon, i miss you so much! it's been forever! i know! let's do dinner!!!" and then the day comes...and i'm having dinner with myself. brilliant i say. smh. even after i keep telling myself that you will come through, or that you won't disappoint me this time or just give you the benefit of the doubt, i always get the same outcome; you don't follow through. so, i believe it's time for to just ignore all your calls, texts, and emails. i don't need a relationship of a 'friend' that is convient at your convience. i need a friend that will be at my and their convience. as of late, i'm starting to see that a lot of my friends are treating me like the convient friend. only thing is, they seem to think i don't know that i already know. however, i think they lack the knowledge that, it's me that they really need, or that without me, they'd be nothing. i'm not saying i'm the bestest best friend in the world, no. i just wanted to be treated like a friend. i'm just tired of hearing, "she fucked me over, but you, you will never change. no matter how much time has passed between our last encounter, we pick up right where we left off as if months hadn't past us by. you really are my one and only true friend." well, hell, if that's the case then, why am i sitting at home wondering why you out there with them, "them" are the ones that "fucked you over" just last night. ha! seems like you just like bitch friends. i'm done. i can't do this anymore. all this complaining and i'm still second to last. thank you for making me feel so nice and loved. next time i am proposed with another, "hey! let's do dinner! it's been way too long!!!" i'll smile and comply and then an half hour before dinner and i won't even give you a good reason, "i just don't feel like dinner anymore. matter fact, i ate already. how bout we do this next time. =)" i wonder if you'll like that. maybe then, you might just know how i feel. then again, why give my hopes up for that as well. ha!

argh

i suppose i've officially rendered weak.  i can't accept anything for what they are.  i think i'm being lied to.  but then again, i don't care anymore.  i'm just so off of my own self that i can't clearly think.  how did become who i am today?  i'm not this weak, i'm suppose to be the strong one for all my babes.  i'm suppose to be the one that holds everyone up, to see them off, to make sure they are comfortable, to make sure that they are alright and to make sure that they always have someone to lean on when they need it.  and now, i feel like i need someone.  i don't like feeling like this...and lord help me.  i think i just need to be alone...i don't like being alone...being alone makes me think too much.  and i'm sure of it; thinking will be the death of me.  but i think i want a new chapter in my life.  one that i'm not ready to face and confront.  i'm afraid, scared, terrified, alone, and confused.  i'm just not happy anymore.  after all this time spent and all this effort, a part of me wants to just lose it all and start fresh and new somewhere else where no one knows me.  is it wrong for me to want all that?  i think it is.  i think it's very selfish of me.  not to consider anyone's thoughts, feelings, opinion and love.  who am i?

too much

maybe i am doing way too much, or you just aren't seeing things they way i want you to.  everything i do i do with a purpose.  maybe i am just a broad that just fucked up in the head.  i don't know how i can deal with this anymore.  i want to just give it all up.  walk away from it all and just disappear.  there's so many things that i can't explain why i feel the way i do.  and if i could explain it, i would.  no one seems to understand.  i'm tired of hiding it, tired of masking it, tired of trying to forget it.  i want to forget it all.  just lose it all.  but i still want it all.  this isn't me.  this is not who i am.  i'm stronger than this.  why am i so weak.  it hurts too much to even think about anything at all anymore.  my head hurts, my heart hurts my soul hurts my body hurts.  everything hurts.  i don't know what to think anymore.  with that smile on my face is what i'll keep wearing.  he doesn't know.  and if he does, he sure is acting like he don't see it.  but whatever.  we just gonna keep it as it is.  walls are getting higher and thicker.

these dreams

so lately i've been dreaming about a certain person...and it's been bothering me. they aren't ongoing dreams as to of where i left off at...but each dream is new and fresh. and they are usually wet dreams at that.  so i decided to look them up...and what i found out about them is rather interesting...last night i dreamt about all these things in my dream.

 

Find: to dream that you find someone, indicates that you are identifying new facets of a relationship. You may be taking the relationship to a new level and/or direction.

Drinking: to dream tat you are drinking water, represents spiritual refreshment. You will find resolution by looking within yourself and your past. Alternatively, the dream maybe indicate that you are really thirsty.

To dream that you are drinking alcohol, denotes that you are seeking either pleasure or escape. In particular, if you are drinking wine, then it is symbolic of a divine power.

River: to see a clear and calm river in your dream, indicates that you are just going with the flow. You are allowing your life to float away. It is time to take a more decisive role in directing your life. Alternatively, a river symbolizes joyful pleasures, peace, prosperity and fertility. If you are crossing a river in your dream, then it represents an obstacle or issue that you need to deal with in order to move closer toward your goal. Is is also a reflective of a new stage in your life. If the river is muddy, then it indicates that you are in turmoil.

Cell Phone: to see or use a cell phone in your dream, indicates that you are being receptive to new information. It also represents your mobility. Alternatively, the dream signifies lack of understanding. Perhaps you are having difficulties getting through to someone.

Sand Dunes: to see a sane dune in your dream, signifies your desires to be sheltered from the bitterness of reality.

Sand: to see sand in your dream signifies a shift in perspective or a change in your attitude. Consider the familiar phrase, “the sands of time” in which it may be suggesting that you are wasting your time or letting time pass you by. If the sand is wet, then it indicates that you are lacking a sense of balance in your life.

hmm...and then i think about the person i've been dreaming about and it confuses me...these things are so vague...smh...what am i going to do?!!!

what the hells!

this whole weekend had been a drunken mess!!  i mean, i don't think i was ever really sober!  and i think i've been drinking way too much!  and then there's the smoking...omg, i smoked so much over the weekend.  i know i'm supposed to be have quit, but omg, when it comes to the drinking, i need it.  i feel like crap!  lungs are hurting!!!!  my liver isn't feeling so well either.  but i did have a very good weekend even though i was so tired and drunk.

these dreams are confusing me and making me feel strange.  i hate it.  i keep dreaming about Him.  they only started coming when he came back.  i don't need this.  i'm suppose to be fine with all of this.  i wish i could open up and just tell someone.  it's so hard.  and things just keeps getting more and more complicated.  i want to be fine, i want this to just go away.  i want him to leave, but then again, i don't want him to ever go.  a great friend he is.  i need the distance like all the time.  and i suppose She doesn't help me either.  but i will be okay.  i know i will.

aside all that bull!!!  i want to start saving for my passport, go to florida for my birthday next year, seeing that i can't do it this year in a few weeks.  fatty wants to go to cali to see his sister, brother in law and his nieces.  i suppose we can do that in the winter.  but i need to start saving!!!  i have way too much going on in my little head of mine, i'm starting to think that i won't be able to achieve anything!!!  argh!!!

okay i need to get off and get ready for work and make lunch.  or else i'm going to be late!

love

people comes and go.  how do you know when love is really there or not?  i mean, you find your frist love and they leave you scarred.  you met someone new and they give their world to you and yet you are still afraid to give your all and place your heart in the hands of another stranger, not knowing if they are going to rip it apart now or later or ever.  it's hard, but while i was having this conversation with my fatty last night, he said, "when you find that one person who you feel is true to you, the overwhelming feeling of them hurting you will no longer be there.  they only feeling you should feel is knowing that this time around, you'll get to be treated the way you deserved to be treated.  love will overcome all doubts."  now that was some deep fried snickers! 

how do you explain to someone that you love/like them?  you can't!  there is no explaination to why you fall for someone.  you just know deep inside, you really do.  i ask my fatty all the time why he loves me, i just love hearing his stupid reasons, and he always says, "seriously?  do you really have to ask?"  lol.  yes!!!!  of course!!!  i am a woman and i need to know!!!  haha!!!  no but seriously, if someone asked me why i love him, i couldn't say, i wouldn't know really where to start.  i just do.

now what do you do when you're already in love with someone and bam!  someone comes waltzing in and you want to spend every waking moment with them?  what kinda buttery popcorn balls did you just find yourself in?!  is that wrong?  or is it because the sparks are gone.  or is it because you have fallen outta love?  or is it because you just want to have a little fun?  whatever the case may be, you just find out the answer and soon!  judgement will not be made until the deed is done!!!  haha!!!  that sounded funny. 

dreams are what you make of them.  you might not know what they mean but they mean something.  i have strange dreams...what can i make of them?!!  but i keep having these dreams with the same people all the time...it's starting to worry me.  oh well, it'll all work out on it's own i suppose. 

and lawd it's the end of may and it's cold as ever!!!  blah!!!

i get what i want when i want don't i?

this was the thought and the mentality that i lived by for so long.  and i still do, but only to a certain degree.  i am a girl and every girl is a princess at heart! ;)  but as i said, something happened that wasn't suppose to happen.  i anticipated that it would, and it did, and i thought i could handle it.  but turns out i don't think i can.  i don't know if i can take this anymore.  i hate what this has become.  me trying to surpress my feelings.  maybe i should have just let it all out when i was in chicago, but if i did, would it had made any difference?  that's a question that has been dwelling in my head after this long chaotic weekend!  would we remain friends or something less?  is it worth the loss if nothing is gained?  but if i don't do anything to simmer these feelings down, i will only be led to think about the what if...jeez, it sucks being grown.  maybe it's time to just talk about it and try to work this situation out to see if i can prevent this from happening again.  once too many times already has this gone too far.  let's see if i can bring myself to confront the issue in it's face.

friends, frienemy, or not

i hate to say this but it's the truth, i don't have a lot real friends.  those that i do have are just a handful.  and none of them knows all of me completely.  one knows this and one knows that.  but never everything about me.  it's not that i don't trust them, i just feel that they aren't ready to accept that part of me.  or i just feel like they don't want to see that side of me, that deep down inside, they understand and know that i am capable but just don't want to believe it.  which is fine by me.  i don't really care.  if you want to see me for what you only want to i'm totally okay with it.  some friends will never know me at all.  and for that reason, i don't speak to them ever.  only convience they hold on me is just an occasional "hi, how are you?  how have you been?  what's new with you?  totally, we should hang out more often." 

my friends are there for me for certain times and only that.  but do know that even though i only need them for certain things, i am loyal to them and i hope that they are loyal to me as well.  it's true, they say i need people to live, but i am fine without that particular person in my life as well.  i don't need someone who think they can do me wrongly and i will just accept them back into my life just like that.  i will argue my point.  and i will voice what you did to wrong me.  but if you want to bring out your list of what i did to you that pissed you off, i will walk away.  and once i walk away, that bridge has basically just been burned. 

just because i burned a bridge doesn't mean i won't be civil.  why do people think that i can't be civil and that i'm a bitch?  i'm not!  i will say hi to you or wave to you and mean it sincerely.  really i would.  but you got another thing coming if i did that just to despite you.  i'm too grown for these childish games.  grow up, act your age and lighten up!  i am not here to start another war and i most definately don't want to take any casualites either.  i am not one who will make mutal friends take sides.  i will voice my side and i will let you go back and listen to the other side, and you can decide where you stand.  i'm not the type to make anyone choose, you are a grown person, make your own decisions.

about a couple of weeks ago something happened and i now understand everything clearly now.  i was told that i was loved dearly by a friend of mine.  craziest thing was, she told me that she really appreciated my friendship and for being there by not being there, which sounds a bit crazy, i know.  i also didn't understand it so she explained it to me.  while she was going through her low and her most stressful time of her life up till now, not once did i pressure her to tell me what she was going through.  just me telling her that whenever she was ready to talk i was here to lend my ear and i won't judge.  i almost cried when she cried to me telling me that there wasn't really anyone out there who was like who i was.  and that i should never change.  i will never change, not for anyone.  i am who i am.  what i've been through is what made me who i am today.  if i do change, i pray that it's for the better.

which brought me to think, "kabria, how many of your "friends" ever told you that you meant a lot to them and that they really love you and really truely deeply appreciated you?"  the answer was scarce.  and my fatty doesn't count.  =)  but that also brought me to when i was attached to the hip with a certain person for two years.  not once did they tell or attempted to tell me that they appreciated me.  all the lying, covering up and the lows that i did for them.  not a thank you.  that's really sad.  i'm very hurt, but you know what?!  what's done is done.  that bridge has been burned with out any explaination.  for what they did to me was something that i didn't think they would do.  and i'm glad i let it go when i did.  i would have lost everything that meant anything to me. 

bridges, i was told by a close friend that burning bridges weren't good, that i should just not tread acrosss it.  well, that's true.  not saying that it's not.  i just prefer to think of it as, if the bridge is already broken, just burn it and walk away.  however, if one day, the occassion arises and i need to cross that river, i will build another bridge in hopes that this bridge will be stronger than the last.  and if i was wrong once more and it breaks, i'm going the make there is a drought after i burn that bridge, render that land infertile, plant a jungle on my side of the shoreline and infest it with tiger, lions, bears and everything nasty.  i usually don't give second chances, so if you get one, make sure you take good measure to it.  my life is too important to waste it away with someone who don't feel the way i feel about life.

a lot has happened to me in the 26 years that i've been on this earth.  i don't need anyone arguements to tell me that i haven't lived life yet.  nor am i going to share my life just to prove myself to anyone that i have lived.  i follow my own set of rules i've made for myself along with the guidelines that my parents have imprinted in my head with.  i do what i feel is right and what i know is fit.  i have nothing to prove to anyone.  if i did something to impress you, love me, hate me, praise me, insult me, degrade me, i don't care.  as long as i am proud of myself and know that i did what i could i can live with myself.  i don't need followers and i don't follow.  i am me and i know that there is only one of me.  so deal with it.  i accepted that i already have to live with myself.  =)

not lying if truth is with held

if that's the case then so be it.  don't question if something comes out of nothing.  just saying.  there really isn't anything that is wrong with that.  but don't fuss and argue if you see something out of the blue.  or hear something that and found out that it was from a long while ago.  two can play this game.  remember what you said, it is not lying if you leave out some parts.

on the other hand, smoke free is most definately THE way to be!!!  i'm so much more happier now that i don't smoke!  took a while.  every now and then i will want the urge to smoke, and not saying that if you smoke that something is wrong with you.  i don't like the smell of it anymore.  it use to be the sweetest smell on earth for me.  but as of late, it reeks!  eww!!!  i'm so happy that i let that habit go.  yay me! 

as for what is new with me, i miss my friends!  i've been MIA for almost three weeks now and i miss all of them.  i need to see them like asap!!!  i'll be fine.  i just needed to give myself some time to adjust to the world that i'm living in to sort things out and make sure that my stress will not get the best of  me. 

and most importantly!!!!  CHICAGO here i come!!!  even though it's still four weeks away!  lol.

complaining

i can't stand to hear people complain about their own problems.  i'm sorry if you are hurting, but hell, you need to man up and just deal with it.  you like to keep using your pains as an issue of not working, well, guess what?!  then i guess you just gonna have deal with being broke.  i'm sorry if you have family memebers that are ill, they don't seem to want to get well at all.  what do you want me to do?  you is a grown person.  depending on something that will make in turn give you some money isn't something that should depend on.  seriously.  if that's the case, why don't you just go right on ahead and get disability so that you can get a monthly check so you don't ever have to work.  it's so irritating hearing all these complaints.  oh and by the way, your lifestyle isn't the best to be living as well.  especially if you don't have the funds to live it.  you hate asking money well fine, but you do anyways.  shame on you.  grown as hell and you a begger.  you say you live the lifestyle you do because of the illness in your home.  you can't win can you?  no, you can't because you refuse to take the nessaccery steps to get on top.  instead you look for an easier way to get out.  i'm sorry, shit just don't work like that.  i work hard to get where i am at.  my story is different, i might not live with the pain that you bear or the illness that consumes your home and your family but trust me when i say, i know how it feels hurt, to be around illness, and to be broke.  don't for once doubt where i have been, where i'm at and where i will be.

who's got the attitude?

so this bitch comes in with her son yesterday.  she called ahead of time to see if i was working and till what time.  i was nice to her.  she came in later during my shift.  i said to her, haircut for "his name" and she responded with "yes."  so i finished up the lady that was in my chair.  i called him back to my chair when i was done with sweeping up the hair and what not.  i drape the boy, and before i proceeded, i asked, "how am i cutting his hair?"  in a nice tone but almost annoyed because the bitch was rolling her eyes at me.  she gave me the, "are you that fucken dumb you dumb fucken worthless peice of shit bitch" look.  so i repeated my question and still the same look.  so i reworded my question, "did you want me to give him a bald fade or just low all over?"  i asked twice with that question, and she gave me the same look twice.  finally, i said with an irritated voice, " you want me to cut it low or a bald fade?!"  i guess that musta snapped her out of her fucken daze and she said, "how ever you've been cutting it!" so snapped back with, "i don't remember how i cut it last time, it has been a while since i've cut his hair."  and she gave me that fucken retarded look and said, "low all over," rolled her eyes and sighed.  so i took a one and blade and cut it.  then i asked her nicely, "is this okay or did you want it lower?"  she huffed and puffed and got up and  said lower after she gave me the stink eye look.  which made her even fuglier.  so i took the zero A and did my thing.  lined the kid up and everything, asked him if he wanted to see the back of his hair, and he responded with, " i don't know!"  and got up and left.  talk about the apple not falling far from the fucken tree!!!  so i ring the haircut up, the bitch comes up and says, "can i ask you a question?  now, do you have a problem cutting my son's hair, because i sense some tension, and if you don't want to cut his hair, we ain't gotta come back here."  what i wanted to say was, "bitch shut the fuck up you fucken retarded ugly nasty bitch, don't ever come back here with yo stanking attitude you annoying fuck."  but i just sighed and said, "no i don't," which was true, i don't have a problem with him, it's with her.  "are you sure?  cos i won't tolerate this, and i don't need yo business."  i said, "you know what, i had a bad day."  she responds with, "i'm a nurse and i work 12 hour shifts, i have bad days too, and you are rude and unprofessional.  that lady over there can sense the tension between you and my son."  i just smiled, gave her reciept and said, " have a great rest of your evening."

now, in my defense, yes i was rude.  but you must understand, this bitch when i first cut her son's hair about four years ago, she stated the following things:
"is that man here today?  he usually cuts my son's hair"
"can you cut black hair?"
"are you good?"
"i don't want you fucking up his hair"

after i finished she responds back with:
"you actually did a good job"
"i'll come back to you when that man ain't here"

she left, didn't come back for another year.  when she came back, she let me cut his hair once and that boy told his mom that i was rough on his head, seriously?  his head was hard and bumpy, i was being careful but hell if he wanna talk shit too fine.  whatever, i apologize to him and to his bitch mama.  a month later she came back in, i worked an 8 hour shift and i actually stayed an hour later due to the volume that came in.  i was in the middle of cleaning up my station and she asked me if i could take him real quick and i looked at her and said, "i'm sorry, i was suppose to be gone an hour ago, and i have plans, i can't take him right now.  i'm already late for something important"  the bitch rolled her eyes, huffed and puffed and stormed out of the store.  it wasn't until later that i found out that she going to my coworker to get her son's hair cut.  so about two months ago, she called and asked when my coworker was coming in that day, i told her that she left the store and was at another store.  so she came in and asked for me personally.  so when it was her son's turn, she came up to me and said in a very nasty voice like she didn't really want me to cut his hair, "just cut it low and give him a nice lining.  oh, yea, he ain't really got a hair line in the front.  are you going to be able to make him a hair line?"  looked me up and down like i was some kind of dumb broad who didn't know what the fuck i was doing.  i nodded and said, "yes i can, it is my job"  smiled at her and started my work, and she rolled her eyes at me and left to sit in the lobby. 

every single time, this bitch gives me an attitude, so why is that when i was fed up and and i tried to be nice and "professional" to her she wanted to get slick with me?  i know my role at my work, does this bitch?  hell if her fucken attitude is like that when she comes to my work, i wonder how the fuck she is at work.  talking about she a nurse and works 12 hour shifts, like this bitch knows anything about me and what's going on in my life.  i am not one to talk about my personal life and business to just anyone.  and i do hope this bitch don't ever come back.

and for the record, she wasn't the frist person to pissed me off yesterday.  she wasn't the last either.  and i do have a lot going on in my life.  it was so fustrating yesterday that i almost went to walgreens to buy a pack of cigarettes so i can smoke.  smh...stressful foreal!!!  i can't stand these people!!!  urgh!!!

but i'm good today though.  i started working out again, and eating healthy.  the whole not smoking thing is going well i suppose.  i mean i still have a couple of puffs when i'm out drinking.  but i don't smoke when i'm not under the influence.  i know better.  and i really shouldn't be smoking those little puffs when i'm out and drinking as well...but that will come soon enough.  as long as i don't start becoming dependant on the cigarettes, i should be okay.

lost but not found

i think it's amazing how people can be so close and yet never know each other at all.  people that you just met already claming you to be their best friend forever.  what the hell is that!?  seriously, i just found out your name.  just chill already sheesh!  but on the real, i don't understand how people are just so giving and open to letting these people in.  i for one have come to realize that people can NOT be trusted.  they are evil and coniving and hurtful.  two faced liars that back stab you from the front.  yes!!!  they do it from the front now too.  i guess when push comes to shove, it's me over you bitch kinda shit.  i seriously need to help out a friends application to people that i meet or something.  i can't trust these people.  and i'm sorry if i do NOT want to hang out with your 24/7, apparently you aren't that pleasant for me to hang out with all the time.  if you were my friend, you would know that i don't need to be with you all the time.  don't feel that i don't want to be your friend, but you are just suffocating me.  besides the fact that we just met.

for those that are my friends, or call yourself my friends, understand that when i don't feel like seeing you it's not because i'm mad at you.  i just have a lot of things on my mind and i can't handle being around people.  and i don't like to share my business out to the whole world, so mos def do not feel bad if i don't want to share what's bothering me or is going on behind closed doors.  i'll let you know in good time.  i like to try to solve it myself frist.  if only then when i can't, i'll let you know that i need help.  no, i don't have too much pride to accept help.  if i can't be there besides you it's because there is a lesson of you learning that you can handle it yourself.  you don't need me to help you.  you can do this yourself.  don't hate me.  you do have to fall and get up yourself sometimes...

do know that if you are lost, you aren't lost forever, but when the time presents itself and i don't come looking for you.  you won't ever be found.  and if you can't see what you did, then i don't have the energy, time or patience to explain myself.  you still won't see what you did wrong. 

drive

i don't have the drive to do anything anymore...what's wrong with me?  am i just stuck in a rut where i don't have any movtivation for anything!!!  i don't like being the one that's not movtivated at all, it sucks.  i feel like i'm the one dragging everyone down from their high, their fun!  maybe i am stressed to the point of depression.  blah!  and i'm starting to find that everything that everyone does, is starting to really irritate me...it sucks.  blah!!!  i suppose we will find out the true verdict.  you know, maybe that's what's been bothering me...and when i find the verdict, i'll be able to know what and how to deal with it...fingers crossed.

dreams

as of late, you've been appearing my in dreams.  is it because i miss you?  is it because i hate you?  i'm not sure what it is.  but in my dream, i'm still not speaking to you, nore do i want to be in the same room.  but as stubborn as i am, i won't leave and allow you to have the satifaction of me bowing down.  i don't want this to last forever.  i want this to be okay between us.  i guess i'm still very hurt for what happened between us.  and i don't know how to shake if off.  maybe the closure i thought i go was good enought wasn't.  i mean, there are days where i spend just thinking about how you are.  how work is if you even work.  how school is.  how your love life is.  if you are hurting.  if you are stressed.  if you are even thinking of me, or even missing me.  and i guess what also hurted more, was the fact that i probably was the one who pushed you away to cutting all ties with me.  i guess i did grab all the things i needed to burn the bridge up.  only to not be able to ignite it.  and with you seeing that i armed the bridge between us, you figured why not just end it as it is.  and so you lit it up.  no more bridge there.  all i wanted to do was to make you see what you did.  why you hurted and how deeply is was.  but i guess in the end, i was the one to get hurt always.  and i always do this to myself.  i am weak.  i'm just not as strong as i thought i was.

thoughts

it's hard doing this whole not smoking thing, it's like i'm having relapses every saturday i swear!  i seem to want and always get a puff or two on saturday.  i went with my girlfriend to get her tattoo done last saturday, and we ended up at my house, after three bottles of wine, i found myself finishing up the last glass of wine after i had a couple of drags from her cigarettes.  my will just seems to die when i'm intoxicated with alcohol.  sad.  i'm going to try to make it through this weekend nicotine free!  on the upside, i'm going to johnson's creek this sunday to do some shopping at the outlet mall.  my fatty felt bad that i didn't know the family went to gurnee mills to do some shopping there.  but i suppose we shall see how much money i can really spend after i'm done paying all my bills.  tomorrow, well, technically today, is going to be a long day.  working out, laundry, a little cleaning and possibly if i have the time, write my book.  i have a lot on my mind that i need to vent out.  just seems like i don't really have anyone to vent to.  am i pathetic or what?!  too much.  anywho, i should get in bed and try to get some sleep.  wished i had worked out earlier instead of at 11 at night.  blah! 

money

i think it's really funny when those who look down upon you decided to all of a sudden ask you for money.  like what they or their family did was never wrong.  kiss my fucken pale ass.  even if you tossed my salad i wouldn't give you the money.  go and ask your daddy.  he seems to like throwing away money he wins from the casino. 

that's another thing i don't get either.  how can you be an adult, responsible and all and still have your daddy pay off half of your maxed out credit cards?  you ain't grown.  bitch please!  i would never ask my parents for money.  i'd be homeless before i even think of asking them for money.  i haven't asked them for money in over ten years.  and i sure as hell ain't going to start anytime soon.  how shameful is that.

speaking of shame.  how can you just talk to someone you just fucked over like you didn't do anything.  pathetic.  it's people like you that make the world a horrible place to live in, for people to trust one another, for people to even help one another.  yet, you all fail to realize this.  ain't that just sad.  i keep my guard up all the time and you get offended.  sorry, i just don't like to trust anyone i know meet or know.  it will take you eternity to even gain my trust. 

life is too short to hold grudges, so if i don't trust no one, i won't ever have to hold grudges.  =)

"why do you hurt me?"

"why do you hurt me?"  that's not the correct question to be asked.  the correct question should be, "why do i allow myself the get hurt?"  no one made you fall in love with him, so why are you placing a blame?  you let them into your world, your life.  so why should he get the finger pointed at him? 

frist of all, he is human.  he's a man, entitled to his own actions.  i'm sorry but if what he does attracted you to him he will keep on doing that.  however, you must also keep in mind, that what he is doing, while you are in awe with it, other women are also googling as well. 

secondly, if you were the other woman, do you seriously think he'll stay faithful?  with you?  are you serious!?  i hate to break it down to you baby, but if he's doing that with the woman he's with, who's to say he won't do that to you as well?  unless you're God, you can't strick him down with Zeus' master lightening bolt and make he be a one woman man.  you can't control him.  no one but himself.

thirdly, why do you need a man?  is it for the sense of security?  the warm body at night next to you?  the compliments he showers you?  or the gifts he gives you?  bull!  you are insecure and you need someone to help you with that.  i'm sorry if it sounds mean, but it's true.  you don't need all those silly things a man can do.  your friends can do you.  have you really looked at your friends and honestly say that you remembered when hung out with them?  like really hung out with them?  lunch?  dinner and drinks?  movie night and clubbing?  no, you can't huh?  i thought so.  where you are wasting all this time and energy on a man, you should be building the friendships with your girlfriends stronger.

and lastly, i'm sorry, but he didn't point a gun to your head after he lured you into a dark ally while your hands and feet were chained up against a dirty wet wall screaming you will be my girlfriend.  you knew how he is, yet you expect him to change over night?!  i'm sorry honey, but man can't change overnight.  if he don't want to change, he won't change, escpecially for you.  you aren't that special...unless you're married to him with like ten kids.  and even then, when he does changes, it'll probably be for his kids.  not you.  sorry to burst your little bubble.  when you met him, you knew who he was, so don't be thinking, that asshole purposely went out with his guys dispite of me.  no, you met is friends and didn't like them.  but those are his friends...not your's.  let it go.  "why did hurt me why cheating on me."  umm...apparently you're lacking something...or...he's just a lying cheating asshole, but you already knew that!!!  but you thought you could change that!  remember?!  haha yes!!!  you do?  great.  that's waht i thought.

so in the end, you should ask yourself when you find a man that you're attracted to, "will i be hurting myself after i learn him?"  because i'm sorry, you liked him, you saw what you want in him and you wanted to be with him.  but don't blame him when you start to hurt.  it's no one's fault but your's.  if you don't like him, just cut it loose.  there's another great guy with a great smile, great personality, and a great hot delicious body waiting to be blessed in your presence.

interesting

how people like to snoop around...i think it's ridiculous.  is it worth it?  worth your while?  i hope so.