alone

what good am i to you if i'm just here alone. never seem to get your attention. and when i finally do it just seems like it's half of it. how am i suppose to be a good person if you cease to even see what i'm trying to do for you. my feelings being pushed away further and further away. i don't know how to communicate with you any more. i'm just tired of trying to explain everything. time is of the essence. why do i feel like i'm fighting to even have an ounce of time with you. how can i compete? if anything, i have always competed with everything thing and every one in your walking life. all my friends are shit. i can't even find a decent person to hold a decent conversation with or to even do normal things that don't involved alcohol. i just want a normal life when i have a wonderful boyfriend who is in tune with my feelings instead of me just doing everything for him. it's a give and take relationship. i just feel like you don't even care, or notice that i don't feel appreciated at all. all the little things i do, is over looked. is there a night where i can just spend it with you? i guess shit like this don't exist anymore. there are only lies that we tell one another. laying in bed side by side with a stranger we don't know anymore. eating with someone just so we aren't alone. hold hands because it's suppose to be the right thing to do. saying "i love you" because that's what people who've been together as long as we have are suppose to do. i've pretty much given up on us. i don't know how much longer i can keep on trying. i'm just sick of coming in second. if you want to know the truth, you were never second, you made yourself second.

holding on

i feel like i'm holding onto nothing at this point of my life. i got rid of so many people in my life that i do cherish dearly in my life all because he don't like them. no i have not one soul to talk to. i can't talk to him because he don't want to listen. he won't listen. so i will continue to keep on pretending that everything is okay. i will hide all my tears, my pain, my open wounds away from him so he can see what he wants. what is the truth when we can't even talk to one another? how does this work? where do we go from here? you wanted to hurt me, now you have. just know that because i won't say anything, i'm not blind, i do see things. i know things. things you don't think i know but i do. i am just so close to just letting it all go. you want to talk about you and what I've done. but have you considered to think about what you've don't to me? and what you have done to affect me? you have very poor choice of words. maybe it is time for us to go our separate ways? if i'm alone, i won't have anyone to hurt me anymore. i can just be haunted by the thoughts of you and us. where am i suppose to go? what am i suppose to do? who am i suppose to be to you. do you even love me anymore?

the let downs.

i can tolerate the let downs from everyone, but the only let down i can't stomach is the ones you give me. in the beginning, everything was only centered on us. but as time progressed, you regressed from us. you let me down over and over in the littlest ways. even when you let me win or have my ways. you have no idea how much it hurts. and it still hurts. every day i live with the little let downs that presents itself at the exact moments where i'm most happiest. so please, don't talk about others grande appearances in my life periodically to let me down tremendously.

hauntings in forms of dreams

it's been while since i've seen him or spoken to him. but as of lately, i've been dreaming about him. this morning i woke up to a dream where we found one another in the back of  room filled with guns. he looked so skinny and happy. it made me smile. i found some food and as i turn around to hear the voices behind the door and wonder if my mom would see us, i see him returning from the door that leads to the outside. i asked him what he did and he said, "just locking the door so no one can come in here and find us. i don't want to not see you anymore. i missed you so much." and i said in reply, "you understand that because you locked that door, you should have locked that one over there. because that's the one that you need to lock. that's the one that everyone is at." he said, "it's okay, umm...the window. we can go through the window." i just laughed at him and said, "here eat some food. you gotten so skinny. eat!" his reply, "i've been losing weight and i'm almost at where i was when i first got out of prison." and i said, "starving yourself isn't good. so you better eat up." while he was eating i was looking into the lockers for the perfect gun. i was going to go shooting after all. he just so happened to show up where i was. i remember bitching softly under my breath about keng not throwing food away when it wasn't good anymore. lol. then i felt him behind me. his arms holding mine. i tensed. he let go and walked over to the window and seen people coming and opened the door. the people came back and the guy stared at him and it was as if he understood him. one quick movement, he grabbed his bag and a gun and said for me to take the gun i had in my hand. it was short and small. had a power button and it glowed blue when it was turned on. it kind of scared me. we left and walked along the river edge. suddenly he no longer looked like him...but that didn't matter. we came across some other people. warning us to keep going north and don't stop because the vampires were taking over the city. somehow, i knew he was a vampire. and i was sad. the lady who was doing all the talking walked right up to him and stared him down. i got so nervous because i was holding his hand, and if she found out that he was a vampire, then i would have to die as well. i saw something huge in the river. and i saw him look over at it. it opened it's mouth and i saw him open his. and then he pulled on my hand and we continued on the trail.

in a car with my siblings, with him driving. we were all going on vacation. i was so happy.everyone was happy. then we pulled over and everyone got out the the cars. i was yelling at no one in particular and realized everyone was out of the car. i walked out and crossed the street and i seen my brothers and sister in the middle of a lake setting up a game of baseball. i was so confused. my sister was putting the bases down and my nephew was running around doing the only things little boys do. i was scared to death. unsure of how to even get there. and i saw that it was deep and i didn't really know how to swim. i see lake seaweed thick along the drop. i was terrified. i looked at my sister in law who was by my side and she looked at me and said, " come on, girl, let's go. they ain't gonna wait for us or come and get us. we minus well just jump in and get it over with and get together with them!" i was beyond horrified. i didn't know what to do. i just held her hand and asked, "will you hold my hand? wait no, that's not smart. because if i drown, i'll be pulling you done with me. and i don't want to be held accountable for killing you by drowning." while i'm ranting off because i'm so scared, i watched as a couple of guys just jumped in and disappearing and then reappearing. all of a sudden i see her jumping and and i follow suit because i didn't want to be alone.

i was floating!!! yes i wasn't going to drown!!! and as i was floated i felt this force drawing me near the center of the lake where my family was. but i realized i had lost my necklace. i tried to go back and get it and the waves just pushed me towards the center. i gave up trying because i was scared i might drown. i swam to the corner where the trees met the lake shore and talked briefly with my sister and all of a sudden we ended up in the lake house. i really needed to pee. so did amy and maoshel. mykieu needed to shower. so we all entered the house looking scared. there were no light switches but turned on when we walked into rooms. mykieu took the first bathroom when i walked into it and realized it was only one room. then i realized, every door labeled as out was the bathroom. the pictures on the wall were kinda eerie and scary. just pictures of little girls. different ages, ethnicity weight and height. but they all wore the same dressed and posed the same way. i said to amy, "this is really scary and weird...wanna go into a bathroom with me?" she neverously said,"yes!" as she nodded at me and followed me into the bathroom.

and that's when i woke up. had it not been for my alarm, i would probably finished up the dream into something else. perhaps i really should stop reading before i go to sleep. lol

just the same

"you chase him and tell him that you're sorry even though it's not even your fault."

so what did you just do? you made me apologize for something i didn't even do, if not yet. i just woke up and you just started yelling. you asked what was wrong, i said nothing. why can't you just let that be just that. you say i attacked you. please. if i wanted to attack you i would have already. i just wanted to let it be where it was, yet you come back and texted me, unable to let it go. if it was something about you, i would have told you. i don't need you to badger me until i crack and it does involve you pissing me off.

every little thing that happens, you always use the fucken excuse, "if you don't think you can handle this," "if this isn't what you wanted," i think i understand where i'm suppose to go. you don't have to keep on saying these things. when you say these things, it just implies you have already let go. if you are ready to let go then just let it go, let me go. why do i have to be the one to make that decision. to me, i feel that you've already given that up. and the only reason why you are still around is because you can't let me go, you want me to do it. well, you know what. if i was the one to hurt you, hurt you so bad shouldn't you be the one to let me go? shouldn't you shun me out of your life because i did you so dirty, hurt you so bad, was the bad one? why do i have to make that decision?

i love you so much, but i am getting tired of your sense. maybe one day i will wake up and realize i don't need this from you. don't even say you don't even know yourself, you do. you always have. don't let me be the one to sway you from yourself. your view on love isn't as open as you think it is. i'm changing to be the woman you want me to be. i hope you see that. i'm your little mold. we'll see how far this goes, because you have pretty much asked for just that.

broken and lost

my heart is at a stand still where i'm not really quite sure where i want to go. i want to leave and i want to stay. i want to make it work and i want to give up. i have all the reasons to leave yet there seems to be some unseen reason why i don't want to let go. he doesn't know but i don't like that girl he talks to so very much. he hurts me when he doesn't listen to me. it's like i don't exist. i'm just background to him. there for his convenience. he said he will never cheat, but people can change. and what he's doing right now with that girl, is just as bad as cheating? it hurts. to see her text saying she's stressed and he responds back with, i'm here for you if you need anything. where's that when i'm stressed. all i get is, it's life. you deal with it. i'm so stressed, hurt, sad and depressed. i don't know where i'm suppose to go to. what i did to him doesn't pardon me in anyway.

he says tell me how you feel, don't water it down. when i do, i get sent to the lions. he's happy now and i'm not. i'm at all these cross roads and i have no idea where to go. he's not here to hold my hand. hell, he's not even besides me. a passing glance is what i feel he gives me. i try and i try to get him to notice me, but i don't think he sees it. the other night, he asked me all night what was wrong, yet he didn't seem to really mean it. it's like we are so comfortable with one another that asking seems to the the right thing to do. and to half listen to one another's problem is what's right. talking to him is like talking to an crowd. you hear them but you aren't really listening. this is how i feel.

a week or so ago, he got a text message from his cousins and brothers about a family member who just got to town and was visiting for a little while. why is it that fifteen minutes after he showed up that i was finally properly introduced. he doesn't seem to know how that makes me feel. like i'm nothing. like he's ashamed of me. i seen his brother introduced him to their family friend as soon as he walked into the bar. i seriously had to kick him three times. and this man is suppose to be the man that you were inseparable with as a child. never once have i not introduced him to any of my friends. important or not. he told me over the summer that the reason why he didn't introduce me to some of these people was because they weren't important. i'm sorry, but if you have a FIANCE, i think that person is pretty damn important enough to introduce to everyone, regardless if we both have agreed to title ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend.

i really want to give up. but something inside of me tells me i need to stay. something great is going to come out of this, of us. but i'm just feeling tortured for the time being. like i'm an afterthought. my heart has been hurting for a long while now. and he is too blind to see it. please, i just need a sign as to of what i should do. where i'm suppose to go. everything just seems to be spiraling down and picking up more and more speed. and here i am falling faster and deeper than i can believe. i need hope. i have the faith, but my faith is wearing thin.

my fears are coming true.

missing

some days it's better than others. I think about you every morning and every night before I go to bed. I wonder how you're doing and what you're doing and if you're staying out of trouble. if you found someone new or If your still alone. it's been too long. I do miss you. not sure if you really do. I truly do miss you. but time has made me a better and stronger person. and it has shown me how much you really do care about me. I would have gotten a better idea had you really just told me instead of acting like I know. I'm no mind reader. I'm a simple girl. whatever. life moves on and I will, just like you are. I still love you and will always love you.

thoughts

sometimes I wonder if this is what he really wants

a start to the end or and end to the start?

another year has passed, and i do strongly and truly believe that this year will be no different. i have no desire to change who i am right now. i also have no desire and or motivation for anything anymore. i do not wish to have a great year. i just want to have a year that will be decent for me. everything for me seems to be failing, so i'll just let it fail. if it does not. i'm grateful for that. i suppose it's time for me to put myself in the back burner once more and just put everyone else up front. because when i do try to be selfish about any small thing, hell just breaks loose. and i'm tired to explaining myself and my actions. what i fear the most is what i have become. i've created a monster in the process. i just want my soul to heal. life is about today, not yesterday but do look forward to tomorrow. i will live today. i will look forward to tomorrow for yesterday i cannot change. here's to another year.