argh

i suppose i've officially rendered weak.  i can't accept anything for what they are.  i think i'm being lied to.  but then again, i don't care anymore.  i'm just so off of my own self that i can't clearly think.  how did become who i am today?  i'm not this weak, i'm suppose to be the strong one for all my babes.  i'm suppose to be the one that holds everyone up, to see them off, to make sure they are comfortable, to make sure that they are alright and to make sure that they always have someone to lean on when they need it.  and now, i feel like i need someone.  i don't like feeling like this...and lord help me.  i think i just need to be alone...i don't like being alone...being alone makes me think too much.  and i'm sure of it; thinking will be the death of me.  but i think i want a new chapter in my life.  one that i'm not ready to face and confront.  i'm afraid, scared, terrified, alone, and confused.  i'm just not happy anymore.  after all this time spent and all this effort, a part of me wants to just lose it all and start fresh and new somewhere else where no one knows me.  is it wrong for me to want all that?  i think it is.  i think it's very selfish of me.  not to consider anyone's thoughts, feelings, opinion and love.  who am i?

too much

maybe i am doing way too much, or you just aren't seeing things they way i want you to.  everything i do i do with a purpose.  maybe i am just a broad that just fucked up in the head.  i don't know how i can deal with this anymore.  i want to just give it all up.  walk away from it all and just disappear.  there's so many things that i can't explain why i feel the way i do.  and if i could explain it, i would.  no one seems to understand.  i'm tired of hiding it, tired of masking it, tired of trying to forget it.  i want to forget it all.  just lose it all.  but i still want it all.  this isn't me.  this is not who i am.  i'm stronger than this.  why am i so weak.  it hurts too much to even think about anything at all anymore.  my head hurts, my heart hurts my soul hurts my body hurts.  everything hurts.  i don't know what to think anymore.  with that smile on my face is what i'll keep wearing.  he doesn't know.  and if he does, he sure is acting like he don't see it.  but whatever.  we just gonna keep it as it is.  walls are getting higher and thicker.

these dreams

so lately i've been dreaming about a certain person...and it's been bothering me. they aren't ongoing dreams as to of where i left off at...but each dream is new and fresh. and they are usually wet dreams at that.  so i decided to look them up...and what i found out about them is rather interesting...last night i dreamt about all these things in my dream.

 

Find: to dream that you find someone, indicates that you are identifying new facets of a relationship. You may be taking the relationship to a new level and/or direction.

Drinking: to dream tat you are drinking water, represents spiritual refreshment. You will find resolution by looking within yourself and your past. Alternatively, the dream maybe indicate that you are really thirsty.

To dream that you are drinking alcohol, denotes that you are seeking either pleasure or escape. In particular, if you are drinking wine, then it is symbolic of a divine power.

River: to see a clear and calm river in your dream, indicates that you are just going with the flow. You are allowing your life to float away. It is time to take a more decisive role in directing your life. Alternatively, a river symbolizes joyful pleasures, peace, prosperity and fertility. If you are crossing a river in your dream, then it represents an obstacle or issue that you need to deal with in order to move closer toward your goal. Is is also a reflective of a new stage in your life. If the river is muddy, then it indicates that you are in turmoil.

Cell Phone: to see or use a cell phone in your dream, indicates that you are being receptive to new information. It also represents your mobility. Alternatively, the dream signifies lack of understanding. Perhaps you are having difficulties getting through to someone.

Sand Dunes: to see a sane dune in your dream, signifies your desires to be sheltered from the bitterness of reality.

Sand: to see sand in your dream signifies a shift in perspective or a change in your attitude. Consider the familiar phrase, “the sands of time” in which it may be suggesting that you are wasting your time or letting time pass you by. If the sand is wet, then it indicates that you are lacking a sense of balance in your life.

hmm...and then i think about the person i've been dreaming about and it confuses me...these things are so vague...smh...what am i going to do?!!!