normal

what is normal? as of lately, feeling normal to me is just being overly tired, sad, mad, like giving up, and most of all, self hatred. every morning is a blessing i'm still alive and well but i don't feel like how i used to where i felt like i had a purpose. it's funny, i remember some of these feelings. like feelings of what am i going to do with my life for the rest of my life. i'm at fork in the road, and i'm trying to figure out where my next success is going to be paved. i don't think i've felt this useless, hopeless, clueless, alone and confused. i need to get my mind of thoughts i don't want to think about. when i think about these thoughts i become sad, and i don't want to be sad anymore. i want to forget the pain and just work on my success. i truly believe in my heart that when i'm successful, i deal with whatever comes my way. but for now, i just need something...anything! i'm just so lost in such a dark place. i want to be normal again, that's all i ask.

hauntings

dreams of him makes me wake up with tears. i don't want to know what it means, i just wish i didn't dream of him. it hurts every time. i cry every time. however, it all boils down to, i'm happy i can see him in my dreams, it's the only time i can see him. it's the only time i can have interaction with him. when i do see him in my dreams, it's so haunting. like, he's trying to tell me something but he can't. i wish i could understand. but even with all these mixed emotions, i'm reminded of why i'm without a friend and why i'm in the situation i'm at. i feel like i can't keep it all together anymore. i feel weak, dumb and stupid. like a fool. maybe i am and i need to stop trying to pretend strong.