what the hells!

this whole weekend had been a drunken mess!!  i mean, i don't think i was ever really sober!  and i think i've been drinking way too much!  and then there's the smoking...omg, i smoked so much over the weekend.  i know i'm supposed to be have quit, but omg, when it comes to the drinking, i need it.  i feel like crap!  lungs are hurting!!!!  my liver isn't feeling so well either.  but i did have a very good weekend even though i was so tired and drunk.

these dreams are confusing me and making me feel strange.  i hate it.  i keep dreaming about Him.  they only started coming when he came back.  i don't need this.  i'm suppose to be fine with all of this.  i wish i could open up and just tell someone.  it's so hard.  and things just keeps getting more and more complicated.  i want to be fine, i want this to just go away.  i want him to leave, but then again, i don't want him to ever go.  a great friend he is.  i need the distance like all the time.  and i suppose She doesn't help me either.  but i will be okay.  i know i will.

aside all that bull!!!  i want to start saving for my passport, go to florida for my birthday next year, seeing that i can't do it this year in a few weeks.  fatty wants to go to cali to see his sister, brother in law and his nieces.  i suppose we can do that in the winter.  but i need to start saving!!!  i have way too much going on in my little head of mine, i'm starting to think that i won't be able to achieve anything!!!  argh!!!

okay i need to get off and get ready for work and make lunch.  or else i'm going to be late!

love

people comes and go.  how do you know when love is really there or not?  i mean, you find your frist love and they leave you scarred.  you met someone new and they give their world to you and yet you are still afraid to give your all and place your heart in the hands of another stranger, not knowing if they are going to rip it apart now or later or ever.  it's hard, but while i was having this conversation with my fatty last night, he said, "when you find that one person who you feel is true to you, the overwhelming feeling of them hurting you will no longer be there.  they only feeling you should feel is knowing that this time around, you'll get to be treated the way you deserved to be treated.  love will overcome all doubts."  now that was some deep fried snickers! 

how do you explain to someone that you love/like them?  you can't!  there is no explaination to why you fall for someone.  you just know deep inside, you really do.  i ask my fatty all the time why he loves me, i just love hearing his stupid reasons, and he always says, "seriously?  do you really have to ask?"  lol.  yes!!!!  of course!!!  i am a woman and i need to know!!!  haha!!!  no but seriously, if someone asked me why i love him, i couldn't say, i wouldn't know really where to start.  i just do.

now what do you do when you're already in love with someone and bam!  someone comes waltzing in and you want to spend every waking moment with them?  what kinda buttery popcorn balls did you just find yourself in?!  is that wrong?  or is it because the sparks are gone.  or is it because you have fallen outta love?  or is it because you just want to have a little fun?  whatever the case may be, you just find out the answer and soon!  judgement will not be made until the deed is done!!!  haha!!!  that sounded funny. 

dreams are what you make of them.  you might not know what they mean but they mean something.  i have strange dreams...what can i make of them?!!  but i keep having these dreams with the same people all the time...it's starting to worry me.  oh well, it'll all work out on it's own i suppose. 

and lawd it's the end of may and it's cold as ever!!!  blah!!!

i get what i want when i want don't i?

this was the thought and the mentality that i lived by for so long.  and i still do, but only to a certain degree.  i am a girl and every girl is a princess at heart! ;)  but as i said, something happened that wasn't suppose to happen.  i anticipated that it would, and it did, and i thought i could handle it.  but turns out i don't think i can.  i don't know if i can take this anymore.  i hate what this has become.  me trying to surpress my feelings.  maybe i should have just let it all out when i was in chicago, but if i did, would it had made any difference?  that's a question that has been dwelling in my head after this long chaotic weekend!  would we remain friends or something less?  is it worth the loss if nothing is gained?  but if i don't do anything to simmer these feelings down, i will only be led to think about the what if...jeez, it sucks being grown.  maybe it's time to just talk about it and try to work this situation out to see if i can prevent this from happening again.  once too many times already has this gone too far.  let's see if i can bring myself to confront the issue in it's face.

friends, frienemy, or not

i hate to say this but it's the truth, i don't have a lot real friends.  those that i do have are just a handful.  and none of them knows all of me completely.  one knows this and one knows that.  but never everything about me.  it's not that i don't trust them, i just feel that they aren't ready to accept that part of me.  or i just feel like they don't want to see that side of me, that deep down inside, they understand and know that i am capable but just don't want to believe it.  which is fine by me.  i don't really care.  if you want to see me for what you only want to i'm totally okay with it.  some friends will never know me at all.  and for that reason, i don't speak to them ever.  only convience they hold on me is just an occasional "hi, how are you?  how have you been?  what's new with you?  totally, we should hang out more often." 

my friends are there for me for certain times and only that.  but do know that even though i only need them for certain things, i am loyal to them and i hope that they are loyal to me as well.  it's true, they say i need people to live, but i am fine without that particular person in my life as well.  i don't need someone who think they can do me wrongly and i will just accept them back into my life just like that.  i will argue my point.  and i will voice what you did to wrong me.  but if you want to bring out your list of what i did to you that pissed you off, i will walk away.  and once i walk away, that bridge has basically just been burned. 

just because i burned a bridge doesn't mean i won't be civil.  why do people think that i can't be civil and that i'm a bitch?  i'm not!  i will say hi to you or wave to you and mean it sincerely.  really i would.  but you got another thing coming if i did that just to despite you.  i'm too grown for these childish games.  grow up, act your age and lighten up!  i am not here to start another war and i most definately don't want to take any casualites either.  i am not one who will make mutal friends take sides.  i will voice my side and i will let you go back and listen to the other side, and you can decide where you stand.  i'm not the type to make anyone choose, you are a grown person, make your own decisions.

about a couple of weeks ago something happened and i now understand everything clearly now.  i was told that i was loved dearly by a friend of mine.  craziest thing was, she told me that she really appreciated my friendship and for being there by not being there, which sounds a bit crazy, i know.  i also didn't understand it so she explained it to me.  while she was going through her low and her most stressful time of her life up till now, not once did i pressure her to tell me what she was going through.  just me telling her that whenever she was ready to talk i was here to lend my ear and i won't judge.  i almost cried when she cried to me telling me that there wasn't really anyone out there who was like who i was.  and that i should never change.  i will never change, not for anyone.  i am who i am.  what i've been through is what made me who i am today.  if i do change, i pray that it's for the better.

which brought me to think, "kabria, how many of your "friends" ever told you that you meant a lot to them and that they really love you and really truely deeply appreciated you?"  the answer was scarce.  and my fatty doesn't count.  =)  but that also brought me to when i was attached to the hip with a certain person for two years.  not once did they tell or attempted to tell me that they appreciated me.  all the lying, covering up and the lows that i did for them.  not a thank you.  that's really sad.  i'm very hurt, but you know what?!  what's done is done.  that bridge has been burned with out any explaination.  for what they did to me was something that i didn't think they would do.  and i'm glad i let it go when i did.  i would have lost everything that meant anything to me. 

bridges, i was told by a close friend that burning bridges weren't good, that i should just not tread acrosss it.  well, that's true.  not saying that it's not.  i just prefer to think of it as, if the bridge is already broken, just burn it and walk away.  however, if one day, the occassion arises and i need to cross that river, i will build another bridge in hopes that this bridge will be stronger than the last.  and if i was wrong once more and it breaks, i'm going the make there is a drought after i burn that bridge, render that land infertile, plant a jungle on my side of the shoreline and infest it with tiger, lions, bears and everything nasty.  i usually don't give second chances, so if you get one, make sure you take good measure to it.  my life is too important to waste it away with someone who don't feel the way i feel about life.

a lot has happened to me in the 26 years that i've been on this earth.  i don't need anyone arguements to tell me that i haven't lived life yet.  nor am i going to share my life just to prove myself to anyone that i have lived.  i follow my own set of rules i've made for myself along with the guidelines that my parents have imprinted in my head with.  i do what i feel is right and what i know is fit.  i have nothing to prove to anyone.  if i did something to impress you, love me, hate me, praise me, insult me, degrade me, i don't care.  as long as i am proud of myself and know that i did what i could i can live with myself.  i don't need followers and i don't follow.  i am me and i know that there is only one of me.  so deal with it.  i accepted that i already have to live with myself.  =)