my heart is at a stand still where i'm not really quite sure where i want to go. i want to leave and i want to stay. i want to make it work and i want to give up. i have all the reasons to leave yet there seems to be some unseen reason why i don't want to let go. he doesn't know but i don't like that girl he talks to so very much. he hurts me when he doesn't listen to me. it's like i don't exist. i'm just background to him. there for his convenience. he said he will never cheat, but people can change. and what he's doing right now with that girl, is just as bad as cheating? it hurts. to see her text saying she's stressed and he responds back with, i'm here for you if you need anything. where's that when i'm stressed. all i get is, it's life. you deal with it. i'm so stressed, hurt, sad and depressed. i don't know where i'm suppose to go to. what i did to him doesn't pardon me in anyway.
he says tell me how you feel, don't water it down. when i do, i get sent to the lions. he's happy now and i'm not. i'm at all these cross roads and i have no idea where to go. he's not here to hold my hand. hell, he's not even besides me. a passing glance is what i feel he gives me. i try and i try to get him to notice me, but i don't think he sees it. the other night, he asked me all night what was wrong, yet he didn't seem to really mean it. it's like we are so comfortable with one another that asking seems to the the right thing to do. and to half listen to one another's problem is what's right. talking to him is like talking to an crowd. you hear them but you aren't really listening. this is how i feel.
a week or so ago, he got a text message from his cousins and brothers about a family member who just got to town and was visiting for a little while. why is it that fifteen minutes after he showed up that i was finally properly introduced. he doesn't seem to know how that makes me feel. like i'm nothing. like he's ashamed of me. i seen his brother introduced him to their family friend as soon as he walked into the bar. i seriously had to kick him three times. and this man is suppose to be the man that you were inseparable with as a child. never once have i not introduced him to any of my friends. important or not. he told me over the summer that the reason why he didn't introduce me to some of these people was because they weren't important. i'm sorry, but if you have a FIANCE, i think that person is pretty damn important enough to introduce to everyone, regardless if we both have agreed to title ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend.
i really want to give up. but something inside of me tells me i need to stay. something great is going to come out of this, of us. but i'm just feeling tortured for the time being. like i'm an afterthought. my heart has been hurting for a long while now. and he is too blind to see it. please, i just need a sign as to of what i should do. where i'm suppose to go. everything just seems to be spiraling down and picking up more and more speed. and here i am falling faster and deeper than i can believe. i need hope. i have the faith, but my faith is wearing thin.
my fears are coming true.
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