hurt

everyday it hurts a little less and more. i know i just totally did not make sense. every day is a struggle to forget the what happened and the what was and the what will be and what is. i'm not ready to make peace with myself or anyone. so i lock myself up within myself and tell me that i will be okay. this is the way i cope with my troubles. the wounds that won't heal are constantly ripped open and salt and sand is sprinkled and rubbed raw until i see nothing but red and i feel numb. numb...it's what i've been for the longest time. i have no one to blame for but myself. there is no one to point the finger at but myself. he said that he felt like he was alone in this; he's not. i'm here for him. it is i who is alone in this. it's not like this is what i wanted. i wanted it to be all different. what i had imagined in my head was never this. but what happened is what happened and i have to live with the decisions. i don't want to ask for anymore than what i am handed. i feel so selfish if i asked. i'm so scared to speak how i really feel; so scared that i can't even write it down. for once in my life, i'm at a total lost for words and thoughts. so everyday, the pain is lifted a little bit and then at the end of the day, i'm just reminded of how much it hurts. but it is what it is.