a start to the end or and end to the start?

another year has passed, and i do strongly and truly believe that this year will be no different. i have no desire to change who i am right now. i also have no desire and or motivation for anything anymore. i do not wish to have a great year. i just want to have a year that will be decent for me. everything for me seems to be failing, so i'll just let it fail. if it does not. i'm grateful for that. i suppose it's time for me to put myself in the back burner once more and just put everyone else up front. because when i do try to be selfish about any small thing, hell just breaks loose. and i'm tired to explaining myself and my actions. what i fear the most is what i have become. i've created a monster in the process. i just want my soul to heal. life is about today, not yesterday but do look forward to tomorrow. i will live today. i will look forward to tomorrow for yesterday i cannot change. here's to another year.

talk

can we just talk about us. not about your jobs, not about the girls, not about volleyball and not about just how our day was. i just want to have a meaningful conversation where i can be heard. i'm gone at work all day and so are you. but i'm slowly breaking apart just knowing that fact that there is no communication any more. i feel like crying every day because i know that you aren't going to even say hello to me. first thing i hear after you get home and say hi, is volleyball. it's fine that you are very passinate about that sport, but understand that that is not something that i am passionate about. i'm passionate about the face that you are passionate about it. i always ask how you are doing, but you never ask me how i'm doing. i'm so close to my breaking point of just bawling my eyes out every time i see you. and i'm scared when you open your mouth because all i'm going to hear is volleyball.

every now and then i want to talk about me. yes i vent to you about work, but when i'm done, i don't want to talk or even think about work. i'm screaming for attention and you just over look that fact. i don't even know what i'm going to do. i feel so alone all the time. i'm so stressed out about this and yet you don't see it at all. i tell you i miss you and you just say it right back. i don't really hear any real meaning behind it. when i tell you i miss you i really truly mean it to the point where i'm almost in tears. yet you just look away and start up another conversation about volleyball. i don't even know who you are anymore, and i no longer know who i am either. i just feel like i'm just sitting here waiting for you to come home, except, the man that comes home, isn't the man i remembered. i'm slowly dying inside, please come and save me. i no longer have the strenght to save myself.

normal

what is normal? as of lately, feeling normal to me is just being overly tired, sad, mad, like giving up, and most of all, self hatred. every morning is a blessing i'm still alive and well but i don't feel like how i used to where i felt like i had a purpose. it's funny, i remember some of these feelings. like feelings of what am i going to do with my life for the rest of my life. i'm at fork in the road, and i'm trying to figure out where my next success is going to be paved. i don't think i've felt this useless, hopeless, clueless, alone and confused. i need to get my mind of thoughts i don't want to think about. when i think about these thoughts i become sad, and i don't want to be sad anymore. i want to forget the pain and just work on my success. i truly believe in my heart that when i'm successful, i deal with whatever comes my way. but for now, i just need something...anything! i'm just so lost in such a dark place. i want to be normal again, that's all i ask.

hauntings

dreams of him makes me wake up with tears. i don't want to know what it means, i just wish i didn't dream of him. it hurts every time. i cry every time. however, it all boils down to, i'm happy i can see him in my dreams, it's the only time i can see him. it's the only time i can have interaction with him. when i do see him in my dreams, it's so haunting. like, he's trying to tell me something but he can't. i wish i could understand. but even with all these mixed emotions, i'm reminded of why i'm without a friend and why i'm in the situation i'm at. i feel like i can't keep it all together anymore. i feel weak, dumb and stupid. like a fool. maybe i am and i need to stop trying to pretend strong.

don't talk about it

when i talk about it, i get so emotional. i just cry. i can't handle it when i have to share. it's just better if i keep it to myself. i don't like to show others how vurenable i can be. i don't like to burden others with my issues. and if i don't talk about it, it's okay. i can deal with it. let me deal with it my own way. i can't have everything i know, but just let me keep this issue to myself. it's the only way i can cope.

day to day

they say it gets better every day and it really does, but it also reminder of what it was and what i had. i'm grateful for what i have now. but deep down inside, some days, it's just too much to bear. i'm not okay today. tomorrow i will as i was yesterday. sometimes the pain of losing is a bit much. i may hide it well, but only in my privacy will i shed my tears of sorrow and my cries of pain. in front of others is only when i can shower my love and smile with my happiness. i'm not tring to be like this, i just choose and think that this is how i should display my feelings. i'm not wrong, i just don't want people questioning my day to day living.

as if the day to day thing is hard, it's the moments where i have these memories that come flashing through. so vivid and colourful, it's so blinding. great moments to horrible moments with everyone and everything. it's almost too much to bear sometimes.

i've put all my time and energy to love. but why do i still like i'm not completely full? he says we are hanging on a thread...i know we are. but in these darkest hours...i've never loved him more...yet i'm not feeling like i should be full? i want to be full, i want to feel whole, i want to feel like how i used to. i don't want to go through these days with these moments. i just want to be happy. could it be that i no longer love myself? that i hate myself? that i can't forgive myself? or that i'm loving when i'm lost and i can't find my way out with love?

dreams

Car
To dream that you are driving a car denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. If you are driving the car, then you are taking an active role in the way your life is going. However, if you are the passenger, then you are taking a passive role. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.

To dream that you forget or can't find where you parked your car indicates that you are dissatisfied or unhappy with an aspect of your waking life. You do not know what you really want to do with your life or where you want to go. To dream that your car has been stolen indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person. If you dream that your car is overheating, then it suggests that you are expending too much energy. You need to slow down or run the risk of being burnt out. You are taking on more than you can handle. It is time to take a breather.

Rape
To dream that you have been raped indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life.

Fighting

To see others fighting in your dream suggests that you are unwilling to acknowledge your own problems and turmoil. You are not taking any responsibility or initiative in trying to resolve issues in your waking life.

Walking

To dream that you have difficulties walking indicates that you are reluctant and hesitant in proceeding forward in some situation. You may also be trying to distance yourself from certain life experiences.� The difficulty in walking is a reflection of your current situation and the obstacles that you are experiencing.

Parking Structure
To see or dream that you are in a parking structure suggests that you are going around in circles in some area of your life. You are feeling lost in what you want to do. If you cannot find your car, then it means that you have lost a little bit of yourself along the way toward your goals. You are turning into someone you dread or someone you don't know anymore.