missing

some days it's better than others. I think about you every morning and every night before I go to bed. I wonder how you're doing and what you're doing and if you're staying out of trouble. if you found someone new or If your still alone. it's been too long. I do miss you. not sure if you really do. I truly do miss you. but time has made me a better and stronger person. and it has shown me how much you really do care about me. I would have gotten a better idea had you really just told me instead of acting like I know. I'm no mind reader. I'm a simple girl. whatever. life moves on and I will, just like you are. I still love you and will always love you.

thoughts

sometimes I wonder if this is what he really wants

a start to the end or and end to the start?

another year has passed, and i do strongly and truly believe that this year will be no different. i have no desire to change who i am right now. i also have no desire and or motivation for anything anymore. i do not wish to have a great year. i just want to have a year that will be decent for me. everything for me seems to be failing, so i'll just let it fail. if it does not. i'm grateful for that. i suppose it's time for me to put myself in the back burner once more and just put everyone else up front. because when i do try to be selfish about any small thing, hell just breaks loose. and i'm tired to explaining myself and my actions. what i fear the most is what i have become. i've created a monster in the process. i just want my soul to heal. life is about today, not yesterday but do look forward to tomorrow. i will live today. i will look forward to tomorrow for yesterday i cannot change. here's to another year.

talk

can we just talk about us. not about your jobs, not about the girls, not about volleyball and not about just how our day was. i just want to have a meaningful conversation where i can be heard. i'm gone at work all day and so are you. but i'm slowly breaking apart just knowing that fact that there is no communication any more. i feel like crying every day because i know that you aren't going to even say hello to me. first thing i hear after you get home and say hi, is volleyball. it's fine that you are very passinate about that sport, but understand that that is not something that i am passionate about. i'm passionate about the face that you are passionate about it. i always ask how you are doing, but you never ask me how i'm doing. i'm so close to my breaking point of just bawling my eyes out every time i see you. and i'm scared when you open your mouth because all i'm going to hear is volleyball.

every now and then i want to talk about me. yes i vent to you about work, but when i'm done, i don't want to talk or even think about work. i'm screaming for attention and you just over look that fact. i don't even know what i'm going to do. i feel so alone all the time. i'm so stressed out about this and yet you don't see it at all. i tell you i miss you and you just say it right back. i don't really hear any real meaning behind it. when i tell you i miss you i really truly mean it to the point where i'm almost in tears. yet you just look away and start up another conversation about volleyball. i don't even know who you are anymore, and i no longer know who i am either. i just feel like i'm just sitting here waiting for you to come home, except, the man that comes home, isn't the man i remembered. i'm slowly dying inside, please come and save me. i no longer have the strenght to save myself.

normal

what is normal? as of lately, feeling normal to me is just being overly tired, sad, mad, like giving up, and most of all, self hatred. every morning is a blessing i'm still alive and well but i don't feel like how i used to where i felt like i had a purpose. it's funny, i remember some of these feelings. like feelings of what am i going to do with my life for the rest of my life. i'm at fork in the road, and i'm trying to figure out where my next success is going to be paved. i don't think i've felt this useless, hopeless, clueless, alone and confused. i need to get my mind of thoughts i don't want to think about. when i think about these thoughts i become sad, and i don't want to be sad anymore. i want to forget the pain and just work on my success. i truly believe in my heart that when i'm successful, i deal with whatever comes my way. but for now, i just need something...anything! i'm just so lost in such a dark place. i want to be normal again, that's all i ask.

hauntings

dreams of him makes me wake up with tears. i don't want to know what it means, i just wish i didn't dream of him. it hurts every time. i cry every time. however, it all boils down to, i'm happy i can see him in my dreams, it's the only time i can see him. it's the only time i can have interaction with him. when i do see him in my dreams, it's so haunting. like, he's trying to tell me something but he can't. i wish i could understand. but even with all these mixed emotions, i'm reminded of why i'm without a friend and why i'm in the situation i'm at. i feel like i can't keep it all together anymore. i feel weak, dumb and stupid. like a fool. maybe i am and i need to stop trying to pretend strong.

don't talk about it

when i talk about it, i get so emotional. i just cry. i can't handle it when i have to share. it's just better if i keep it to myself. i don't like to show others how vurenable i can be. i don't like to burden others with my issues. and if i don't talk about it, it's okay. i can deal with it. let me deal with it my own way. i can't have everything i know, but just let me keep this issue to myself. it's the only way i can cope.