hauntings

dreams of him makes me wake up with tears. i don't want to know what it means, i just wish i didn't dream of him. it hurts every time. i cry every time. however, it all boils down to, i'm happy i can see him in my dreams, it's the only time i can see him. it's the only time i can have interaction with him. when i do see him in my dreams, it's so haunting. like, he's trying to tell me something but he can't. i wish i could understand. but even with all these mixed emotions, i'm reminded of why i'm without a friend and why i'm in the situation i'm at. i feel like i can't keep it all together anymore. i feel weak, dumb and stupid. like a fool. maybe i am and i need to stop trying to pretend strong.

don't talk about it

when i talk about it, i get so emotional. i just cry. i can't handle it when i have to share. it's just better if i keep it to myself. i don't like to show others how vurenable i can be. i don't like to burden others with my issues. and if i don't talk about it, it's okay. i can deal with it. let me deal with it my own way. i can't have everything i know, but just let me keep this issue to myself. it's the only way i can cope.

day to day

they say it gets better every day and it really does, but it also reminder of what it was and what i had. i'm grateful for what i have now. but deep down inside, some days, it's just too much to bear. i'm not okay today. tomorrow i will as i was yesterday. sometimes the pain of losing is a bit much. i may hide it well, but only in my privacy will i shed my tears of sorrow and my cries of pain. in front of others is only when i can shower my love and smile with my happiness. i'm not tring to be like this, i just choose and think that this is how i should display my feelings. i'm not wrong, i just don't want people questioning my day to day living.

as if the day to day thing is hard, it's the moments where i have these memories that come flashing through. so vivid and colourful, it's so blinding. great moments to horrible moments with everyone and everything. it's almost too much to bear sometimes.

i've put all my time and energy to love. but why do i still like i'm not completely full? he says we are hanging on a thread...i know we are. but in these darkest hours...i've never loved him more...yet i'm not feeling like i should be full? i want to be full, i want to feel whole, i want to feel like how i used to. i don't want to go through these days with these moments. i just want to be happy. could it be that i no longer love myself? that i hate myself? that i can't forgive myself? or that i'm loving when i'm lost and i can't find my way out with love?

dreams

Car
To dream that you are driving a car denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. If you are driving the car, then you are taking an active role in the way your life is going. However, if you are the passenger, then you are taking a passive role. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.

To dream that you forget or can't find where you parked your car indicates that you are dissatisfied or unhappy with an aspect of your waking life. You do not know what you really want to do with your life or where you want to go. To dream that your car has been stolen indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person. If you dream that your car is overheating, then it suggests that you are expending too much energy. You need to slow down or run the risk of being burnt out. You are taking on more than you can handle. It is time to take a breather.

Rape
To dream that you have been raped indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life.

Fighting

To see others fighting in your dream suggests that you are unwilling to acknowledge your own problems and turmoil. You are not taking any responsibility or initiative in trying to resolve issues in your waking life.

Walking

To dream that you have difficulties walking indicates that you are reluctant and hesitant in proceeding forward in some situation. You may also be trying to distance yourself from certain life experiences.� The difficulty in walking is a reflection of your current situation and the obstacles that you are experiencing.

Parking Structure
To see or dream that you are in a parking structure suggests that you are going around in circles in some area of your life. You are feeling lost in what you want to do. If you cannot find your car, then it means that you have lost a little bit of yourself along the way toward your goals. You are turning into someone you dread or someone you don't know anymore.

hurt

everyday it hurts a little less and more. i know i just totally did not make sense. every day is a struggle to forget the what happened and the what was and the what will be and what is. i'm not ready to make peace with myself or anyone. so i lock myself up within myself and tell me that i will be okay. this is the way i cope with my troubles. the wounds that won't heal are constantly ripped open and salt and sand is sprinkled and rubbed raw until i see nothing but red and i feel numb. numb...it's what i've been for the longest time. i have no one to blame for but myself. there is no one to point the finger at but myself. he said that he felt like he was alone in this; he's not. i'm here for him. it is i who is alone in this. it's not like this is what i wanted. i wanted it to be all different. what i had imagined in my head was never this. but what happened is what happened and i have to live with the decisions. i don't want to ask for anymore than what i am handed. i feel so selfish if i asked. i'm so scared to speak how i really feel; so scared that i can't even write it down. for once in my life, i'm at a total lost for words and thoughts. so everyday, the pain is lifted a little bit and then at the end of the day, i'm just reminded of how much it hurts. but it is what it is.

fears and tears

when i say i love you, i mean it. when i say i miss you, i meant it too. when i say i need you, i really need you. when you stop hearing those things coming from my mouth you should start to worry.

a couple of my fears are for not a single soul to not understand me at all. and as of late, it's a big thing. i try so hard to explain and make it clear, but nothing! it seems like no one wants to take me serious enough. i'm tired of this. i'm 27, i don't need to be looked at as a mindless, careless and irresponsible 17 year old! i know what i want and i know what i don't need. when i say something don't look at me like i'm crazy. and yes, i may come off as a little "off", but i know what it is that i want. even if it's a bad idea. i tend to be not right in the head, but these crazy things that i think of and come up with are what i feel is right. so when you laugh in my face, remember that you just killed a little at a time.

when i shed a tear, it means that i care enough for you to cry. even if i don't know you, you obviously had that kind of impact on me. don't take me for granted and don't think that i'm that emotional. there is a life force connection of some sort that i can feel your pain, sorrow and happiness that i can cry and laugh and feel the same way you do. don't for one second think i'm faking it. i don't fake my emotions.

i don't ask for much, but when i do ask for your undivided attention, i really need it. it means that i'm out of sorts and i need someone to just be there for me. a shoulder to cry on, a friend to make me laugh or just someone to hold me. i and self sufficent enough to do things on my own, but when i say i need you, i really need you. meaning i've done everything that i can already and i can't do this alone. don't deny me, i won't resent it nor will i hold a grudge. what i get from that will be don't ask them again. and maybe you will think twice about it. i will continue on doing things for you, until i feel that i don't need to anymore. and when that happens, you won't realize that you just lost someone.

i'm not a child, just tell me what you want. i'm telling you what i want. just keep it real with me.

what you think you know about me

whatever it is that you think you know about me isn't what you thought you did, it's what you assumed you knew. time has come and passed, no one ever stays the same. we are humans and humans are made to adapt. for whatever reason that you can't adapt, i'm sorry, but you will be left behind to be ridiculed.

i'm sorry if i'm a mess, but if you can't help me in any way, just tell me, i'm fine without your help. just don't make a poor excuse and pretend that you do care and that you do want to help. save your pity for someone else who can't tell the difference between pity and sympathy.

i'm sick and tired of everyone telling me what is good for me. if that's the case then just let me leave and don't present me with your issues. if i can't handle my own issues, doesn't that mean i can't help you solve your's? and if we were friends, wouldn't you want to help me solve my problems as well? why is it that i feel like i'm only there for you but when i need someone the most, everyone is quick to turn their shoulders on me? there is a reason why i have no friends.

lonely is what i'll have to accept. i can't deal with two faced people who claim to be things that they can't. or make promises that they can't keep. and make plans that fall through. i go through this every couple of months. why can't i find people who are on my level?!

i'm not the same person i was a five-ten years ago, let alone last year.

just be real with me. that's all i'm asking.