just the same

"you chase him and tell him that you're sorry even though it's not even your fault."

so what did you just do? you made me apologize for something i didn't even do, if not yet. i just woke up and you just started yelling. you asked what was wrong, i said nothing. why can't you just let that be just that. you say i attacked you. please. if i wanted to attack you i would have already. i just wanted to let it be where it was, yet you come back and texted me, unable to let it go. if it was something about you, i would have told you. i don't need you to badger me until i crack and it does involve you pissing me off.

every little thing that happens, you always use the fucken excuse, "if you don't think you can handle this," "if this isn't what you wanted," i think i understand where i'm suppose to go. you don't have to keep on saying these things. when you say these things, it just implies you have already let go. if you are ready to let go then just let it go, let me go. why do i have to be the one to make that decision. to me, i feel that you've already given that up. and the only reason why you are still around is because you can't let me go, you want me to do it. well, you know what. if i was the one to hurt you, hurt you so bad shouldn't you be the one to let me go? shouldn't you shun me out of your life because i did you so dirty, hurt you so bad, was the bad one? why do i have to make that decision?

i love you so much, but i am getting tired of your sense. maybe one day i will wake up and realize i don't need this from you. don't even say you don't even know yourself, you do. you always have. don't let me be the one to sway you from yourself. your view on love isn't as open as you think it is. i'm changing to be the woman you want me to be. i hope you see that. i'm your little mold. we'll see how far this goes, because you have pretty much asked for just that.

broken and lost

my heart is at a stand still where i'm not really quite sure where i want to go. i want to leave and i want to stay. i want to make it work and i want to give up. i have all the reasons to leave yet there seems to be some unseen reason why i don't want to let go. he doesn't know but i don't like that girl he talks to so very much. he hurts me when he doesn't listen to me. it's like i don't exist. i'm just background to him. there for his convenience. he said he will never cheat, but people can change. and what he's doing right now with that girl, is just as bad as cheating? it hurts. to see her text saying she's stressed and he responds back with, i'm here for you if you need anything. where's that when i'm stressed. all i get is, it's life. you deal with it. i'm so stressed, hurt, sad and depressed. i don't know where i'm suppose to go to. what i did to him doesn't pardon me in anyway.

he says tell me how you feel, don't water it down. when i do, i get sent to the lions. he's happy now and i'm not. i'm at all these cross roads and i have no idea where to go. he's not here to hold my hand. hell, he's not even besides me. a passing glance is what i feel he gives me. i try and i try to get him to notice me, but i don't think he sees it. the other night, he asked me all night what was wrong, yet he didn't seem to really mean it. it's like we are so comfortable with one another that asking seems to the the right thing to do. and to half listen to one another's problem is what's right. talking to him is like talking to an crowd. you hear them but you aren't really listening. this is how i feel.

a week or so ago, he got a text message from his cousins and brothers about a family member who just got to town and was visiting for a little while. why is it that fifteen minutes after he showed up that i was finally properly introduced. he doesn't seem to know how that makes me feel. like i'm nothing. like he's ashamed of me. i seen his brother introduced him to their family friend as soon as he walked into the bar. i seriously had to kick him three times. and this man is suppose to be the man that you were inseparable with as a child. never once have i not introduced him to any of my friends. important or not. he told me over the summer that the reason why he didn't introduce me to some of these people was because they weren't important. i'm sorry, but if you have a FIANCE, i think that person is pretty damn important enough to introduce to everyone, regardless if we both have agreed to title ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend.

i really want to give up. but something inside of me tells me i need to stay. something great is going to come out of this, of us. but i'm just feeling tortured for the time being. like i'm an afterthought. my heart has been hurting for a long while now. and he is too blind to see it. please, i just need a sign as to of what i should do. where i'm suppose to go. everything just seems to be spiraling down and picking up more and more speed. and here i am falling faster and deeper than i can believe. i need hope. i have the faith, but my faith is wearing thin.

my fears are coming true.

missing

some days it's better than others. I think about you every morning and every night before I go to bed. I wonder how you're doing and what you're doing and if you're staying out of trouble. if you found someone new or If your still alone. it's been too long. I do miss you. not sure if you really do. I truly do miss you. but time has made me a better and stronger person. and it has shown me how much you really do care about me. I would have gotten a better idea had you really just told me instead of acting like I know. I'm no mind reader. I'm a simple girl. whatever. life moves on and I will, just like you are. I still love you and will always love you.

thoughts

sometimes I wonder if this is what he really wants

a start to the end or and end to the start?

another year has passed, and i do strongly and truly believe that this year will be no different. i have no desire to change who i am right now. i also have no desire and or motivation for anything anymore. i do not wish to have a great year. i just want to have a year that will be decent for me. everything for me seems to be failing, so i'll just let it fail. if it does not. i'm grateful for that. i suppose it's time for me to put myself in the back burner once more and just put everyone else up front. because when i do try to be selfish about any small thing, hell just breaks loose. and i'm tired to explaining myself and my actions. what i fear the most is what i have become. i've created a monster in the process. i just want my soul to heal. life is about today, not yesterday but do look forward to tomorrow. i will live today. i will look forward to tomorrow for yesterday i cannot change. here's to another year.

talk

can we just talk about us. not about your jobs, not about the girls, not about volleyball and not about just how our day was. i just want to have a meaningful conversation where i can be heard. i'm gone at work all day and so are you. but i'm slowly breaking apart just knowing that fact that there is no communication any more. i feel like crying every day because i know that you aren't going to even say hello to me. first thing i hear after you get home and say hi, is volleyball. it's fine that you are very passinate about that sport, but understand that that is not something that i am passionate about. i'm passionate about the face that you are passionate about it. i always ask how you are doing, but you never ask me how i'm doing. i'm so close to my breaking point of just bawling my eyes out every time i see you. and i'm scared when you open your mouth because all i'm going to hear is volleyball.

every now and then i want to talk about me. yes i vent to you about work, but when i'm done, i don't want to talk or even think about work. i'm screaming for attention and you just over look that fact. i don't even know what i'm going to do. i feel so alone all the time. i'm so stressed out about this and yet you don't see it at all. i tell you i miss you and you just say it right back. i don't really hear any real meaning behind it. when i tell you i miss you i really truly mean it to the point where i'm almost in tears. yet you just look away and start up another conversation about volleyball. i don't even know who you are anymore, and i no longer know who i am either. i just feel like i'm just sitting here waiting for you to come home, except, the man that comes home, isn't the man i remembered. i'm slowly dying inside, please come and save me. i no longer have the strenght to save myself.

normal

what is normal? as of lately, feeling normal to me is just being overly tired, sad, mad, like giving up, and most of all, self hatred. every morning is a blessing i'm still alive and well but i don't feel like how i used to where i felt like i had a purpose. it's funny, i remember some of these feelings. like feelings of what am i going to do with my life for the rest of my life. i'm at fork in the road, and i'm trying to figure out where my next success is going to be paved. i don't think i've felt this useless, hopeless, clueless, alone and confused. i need to get my mind of thoughts i don't want to think about. when i think about these thoughts i become sad, and i don't want to be sad anymore. i want to forget the pain and just work on my success. i truly believe in my heart that when i'm successful, i deal with whatever comes my way. but for now, i just need something...anything! i'm just so lost in such a dark place. i want to be normal again, that's all i ask.