who's got the attitude?

so this bitch comes in with her son yesterday.  she called ahead of time to see if i was working and till what time.  i was nice to her.  she came in later during my shift.  i said to her, haircut for "his name" and she responded with "yes."  so i finished up the lady that was in my chair.  i called him back to my chair when i was done with sweeping up the hair and what not.  i drape the boy, and before i proceeded, i asked, "how am i cutting his hair?"  in a nice tone but almost annoyed because the bitch was rolling her eyes at me.  she gave me the, "are you that fucken dumb you dumb fucken worthless peice of shit bitch" look.  so i repeated my question and still the same look.  so i reworded my question, "did you want me to give him a bald fade or just low all over?"  i asked twice with that question, and she gave me the same look twice.  finally, i said with an irritated voice, " you want me to cut it low or a bald fade?!"  i guess that musta snapped her out of her fucken daze and she said, "how ever you've been cutting it!" so snapped back with, "i don't remember how i cut it last time, it has been a while since i've cut his hair."  and she gave me that fucken retarded look and said, "low all over," rolled her eyes and sighed.  so i took a one and blade and cut it.  then i asked her nicely, "is this okay or did you want it lower?"  she huffed and puffed and got up and  said lower after she gave me the stink eye look.  which made her even fuglier.  so i took the zero A and did my thing.  lined the kid up and everything, asked him if he wanted to see the back of his hair, and he responded with, " i don't know!"  and got up and left.  talk about the apple not falling far from the fucken tree!!!  so i ring the haircut up, the bitch comes up and says, "can i ask you a question?  now, do you have a problem cutting my son's hair, because i sense some tension, and if you don't want to cut his hair, we ain't gotta come back here."  what i wanted to say was, "bitch shut the fuck up you fucken retarded ugly nasty bitch, don't ever come back here with yo stanking attitude you annoying fuck."  but i just sighed and said, "no i don't," which was true, i don't have a problem with him, it's with her.  "are you sure?  cos i won't tolerate this, and i don't need yo business."  i said, "you know what, i had a bad day."  she responds with, "i'm a nurse and i work 12 hour shifts, i have bad days too, and you are rude and unprofessional.  that lady over there can sense the tension between you and my son."  i just smiled, gave her reciept and said, " have a great rest of your evening."

now, in my defense, yes i was rude.  but you must understand, this bitch when i first cut her son's hair about four years ago, she stated the following things:
"is that man here today?  he usually cuts my son's hair"
"can you cut black hair?"
"are you good?"
"i don't want you fucking up his hair"

after i finished she responds back with:
"you actually did a good job"
"i'll come back to you when that man ain't here"

she left, didn't come back for another year.  when she came back, she let me cut his hair once and that boy told his mom that i was rough on his head, seriously?  his head was hard and bumpy, i was being careful but hell if he wanna talk shit too fine.  whatever, i apologize to him and to his bitch mama.  a month later she came back in, i worked an 8 hour shift and i actually stayed an hour later due to the volume that came in.  i was in the middle of cleaning up my station and she asked me if i could take him real quick and i looked at her and said, "i'm sorry, i was suppose to be gone an hour ago, and i have plans, i can't take him right now.  i'm already late for something important"  the bitch rolled her eyes, huffed and puffed and stormed out of the store.  it wasn't until later that i found out that she going to my coworker to get her son's hair cut.  so about two months ago, she called and asked when my coworker was coming in that day, i told her that she left the store and was at another store.  so she came in and asked for me personally.  so when it was her son's turn, she came up to me and said in a very nasty voice like she didn't really want me to cut his hair, "just cut it low and give him a nice lining.  oh, yea, he ain't really got a hair line in the front.  are you going to be able to make him a hair line?"  looked me up and down like i was some kind of dumb broad who didn't know what the fuck i was doing.  i nodded and said, "yes i can, it is my job"  smiled at her and started my work, and she rolled her eyes at me and left to sit in the lobby. 

every single time, this bitch gives me an attitude, so why is that when i was fed up and and i tried to be nice and "professional" to her she wanted to get slick with me?  i know my role at my work, does this bitch?  hell if her fucken attitude is like that when she comes to my work, i wonder how the fuck she is at work.  talking about she a nurse and works 12 hour shifts, like this bitch knows anything about me and what's going on in my life.  i am not one to talk about my personal life and business to just anyone.  and i do hope this bitch don't ever come back.

and for the record, she wasn't the frist person to pissed me off yesterday.  she wasn't the last either.  and i do have a lot going on in my life.  it was so fustrating yesterday that i almost went to walgreens to buy a pack of cigarettes so i can smoke.  smh...stressful foreal!!!  i can't stand these people!!!  urgh!!!

but i'm good today though.  i started working out again, and eating healthy.  the whole not smoking thing is going well i suppose.  i mean i still have a couple of puffs when i'm out drinking.  but i don't smoke when i'm not under the influence.  i know better.  and i really shouldn't be smoking those little puffs when i'm out and drinking as well...but that will come soon enough.  as long as i don't start becoming dependant on the cigarettes, i should be okay.

lost but not found

i think it's amazing how people can be so close and yet never know each other at all.  people that you just met already claming you to be their best friend forever.  what the hell is that!?  seriously, i just found out your name.  just chill already sheesh!  but on the real, i don't understand how people are just so giving and open to letting these people in.  i for one have come to realize that people can NOT be trusted.  they are evil and coniving and hurtful.  two faced liars that back stab you from the front.  yes!!!  they do it from the front now too.  i guess when push comes to shove, it's me over you bitch kinda shit.  i seriously need to help out a friends application to people that i meet or something.  i can't trust these people.  and i'm sorry if i do NOT want to hang out with your 24/7, apparently you aren't that pleasant for me to hang out with all the time.  if you were my friend, you would know that i don't need to be with you all the time.  don't feel that i don't want to be your friend, but you are just suffocating me.  besides the fact that we just met.

for those that are my friends, or call yourself my friends, understand that when i don't feel like seeing you it's not because i'm mad at you.  i just have a lot of things on my mind and i can't handle being around people.  and i don't like to share my business out to the whole world, so mos def do not feel bad if i don't want to share what's bothering me or is going on behind closed doors.  i'll let you know in good time.  i like to try to solve it myself frist.  if only then when i can't, i'll let you know that i need help.  no, i don't have too much pride to accept help.  if i can't be there besides you it's because there is a lesson of you learning that you can handle it yourself.  you don't need me to help you.  you can do this yourself.  don't hate me.  you do have to fall and get up yourself sometimes...

do know that if you are lost, you aren't lost forever, but when the time presents itself and i don't come looking for you.  you won't ever be found.  and if you can't see what you did, then i don't have the energy, time or patience to explain myself.  you still won't see what you did wrong. 

drive

i don't have the drive to do anything anymore...what's wrong with me?  am i just stuck in a rut where i don't have any movtivation for anything!!!  i don't like being the one that's not movtivated at all, it sucks.  i feel like i'm the one dragging everyone down from their high, their fun!  maybe i am stressed to the point of depression.  blah!  and i'm starting to find that everything that everyone does, is starting to really irritate me...it sucks.  blah!!!  i suppose we will find out the true verdict.  you know, maybe that's what's been bothering me...and when i find the verdict, i'll be able to know what and how to deal with it...fingers crossed.

dreams

as of late, you've been appearing my in dreams.  is it because i miss you?  is it because i hate you?  i'm not sure what it is.  but in my dream, i'm still not speaking to you, nore do i want to be in the same room.  but as stubborn as i am, i won't leave and allow you to have the satifaction of me bowing down.  i don't want this to last forever.  i want this to be okay between us.  i guess i'm still very hurt for what happened between us.  and i don't know how to shake if off.  maybe the closure i thought i go was good enought wasn't.  i mean, there are days where i spend just thinking about how you are.  how work is if you even work.  how school is.  how your love life is.  if you are hurting.  if you are stressed.  if you are even thinking of me, or even missing me.  and i guess what also hurted more, was the fact that i probably was the one who pushed you away to cutting all ties with me.  i guess i did grab all the things i needed to burn the bridge up.  only to not be able to ignite it.  and with you seeing that i armed the bridge between us, you figured why not just end it as it is.  and so you lit it up.  no more bridge there.  all i wanted to do was to make you see what you did.  why you hurted and how deeply is was.  but i guess in the end, i was the one to get hurt always.  and i always do this to myself.  i am weak.  i'm just not as strong as i thought i was.

thoughts

it's hard doing this whole not smoking thing, it's like i'm having relapses every saturday i swear!  i seem to want and always get a puff or two on saturday.  i went with my girlfriend to get her tattoo done last saturday, and we ended up at my house, after three bottles of wine, i found myself finishing up the last glass of wine after i had a couple of drags from her cigarettes.  my will just seems to die when i'm intoxicated with alcohol.  sad.  i'm going to try to make it through this weekend nicotine free!  on the upside, i'm going to johnson's creek this sunday to do some shopping at the outlet mall.  my fatty felt bad that i didn't know the family went to gurnee mills to do some shopping there.  but i suppose we shall see how much money i can really spend after i'm done paying all my bills.  tomorrow, well, technically today, is going to be a long day.  working out, laundry, a little cleaning and possibly if i have the time, write my book.  i have a lot on my mind that i need to vent out.  just seems like i don't really have anyone to vent to.  am i pathetic or what?!  too much.  anywho, i should get in bed and try to get some sleep.  wished i had worked out earlier instead of at 11 at night.  blah! 

money

i think it's really funny when those who look down upon you decided to all of a sudden ask you for money.  like what they or their family did was never wrong.  kiss my fucken pale ass.  even if you tossed my salad i wouldn't give you the money.  go and ask your daddy.  he seems to like throwing away money he wins from the casino. 

that's another thing i don't get either.  how can you be an adult, responsible and all and still have your daddy pay off half of your maxed out credit cards?  you ain't grown.  bitch please!  i would never ask my parents for money.  i'd be homeless before i even think of asking them for money.  i haven't asked them for money in over ten years.  and i sure as hell ain't going to start anytime soon.  how shameful is that.

speaking of shame.  how can you just talk to someone you just fucked over like you didn't do anything.  pathetic.  it's people like you that make the world a horrible place to live in, for people to trust one another, for people to even help one another.  yet, you all fail to realize this.  ain't that just sad.  i keep my guard up all the time and you get offended.  sorry, i just don't like to trust anyone i know meet or know.  it will take you eternity to even gain my trust. 

life is too short to hold grudges, so if i don't trust no one, i won't ever have to hold grudges.  =)

"why do you hurt me?"

"why do you hurt me?"  that's not the correct question to be asked.  the correct question should be, "why do i allow myself the get hurt?"  no one made you fall in love with him, so why are you placing a blame?  you let them into your world, your life.  so why should he get the finger pointed at him? 

frist of all, he is human.  he's a man, entitled to his own actions.  i'm sorry but if what he does attracted you to him he will keep on doing that.  however, you must also keep in mind, that what he is doing, while you are in awe with it, other women are also googling as well. 

secondly, if you were the other woman, do you seriously think he'll stay faithful?  with you?  are you serious!?  i hate to break it down to you baby, but if he's doing that with the woman he's with, who's to say he won't do that to you as well?  unless you're God, you can't strick him down with Zeus' master lightening bolt and make he be a one woman man.  you can't control him.  no one but himself.

thirdly, why do you need a man?  is it for the sense of security?  the warm body at night next to you?  the compliments he showers you?  or the gifts he gives you?  bull!  you are insecure and you need someone to help you with that.  i'm sorry if it sounds mean, but it's true.  you don't need all those silly things a man can do.  your friends can do you.  have you really looked at your friends and honestly say that you remembered when hung out with them?  like really hung out with them?  lunch?  dinner and drinks?  movie night and clubbing?  no, you can't huh?  i thought so.  where you are wasting all this time and energy on a man, you should be building the friendships with your girlfriends stronger.

and lastly, i'm sorry, but he didn't point a gun to your head after he lured you into a dark ally while your hands and feet were chained up against a dirty wet wall screaming you will be my girlfriend.  you knew how he is, yet you expect him to change over night?!  i'm sorry honey, but man can't change overnight.  if he don't want to change, he won't change, escpecially for you.  you aren't that special...unless you're married to him with like ten kids.  and even then, when he does changes, it'll probably be for his kids.  not you.  sorry to burst your little bubble.  when you met him, you knew who he was, so don't be thinking, that asshole purposely went out with his guys dispite of me.  no, you met is friends and didn't like them.  but those are his friends...not your's.  let it go.  "why did hurt me why cheating on me."  umm...apparently you're lacking something...or...he's just a lying cheating asshole, but you already knew that!!!  but you thought you could change that!  remember?!  haha yes!!!  you do?  great.  that's waht i thought.

so in the end, you should ask yourself when you find a man that you're attracted to, "will i be hurting myself after i learn him?"  because i'm sorry, you liked him, you saw what you want in him and you wanted to be with him.  but don't blame him when you start to hurt.  it's no one's fault but your's.  if you don't like him, just cut it loose.  there's another great guy with a great smile, great personality, and a great hot delicious body waiting to be blessed in your presence.