not lying if truth is with held

if that's the case then so be it.  don't question if something comes out of nothing.  just saying.  there really isn't anything that is wrong with that.  but don't fuss and argue if you see something out of the blue.  or hear something that and found out that it was from a long while ago.  two can play this game.  remember what you said, it is not lying if you leave out some parts.

on the other hand, smoke free is most definately THE way to be!!!  i'm so much more happier now that i don't smoke!  took a while.  every now and then i will want the urge to smoke, and not saying that if you smoke that something is wrong with you.  i don't like the smell of it anymore.  it use to be the sweetest smell on earth for me.  but as of late, it reeks!  eww!!!  i'm so happy that i let that habit go.  yay me! 

as for what is new with me, i miss my friends!  i've been MIA for almost three weeks now and i miss all of them.  i need to see them like asap!!!  i'll be fine.  i just needed to give myself some time to adjust to the world that i'm living in to sort things out and make sure that my stress will not get the best of  me. 

and most importantly!!!!  CHICAGO here i come!!!  even though it's still four weeks away!  lol.

complaining

i can't stand to hear people complain about their own problems.  i'm sorry if you are hurting, but hell, you need to man up and just deal with it.  you like to keep using your pains as an issue of not working, well, guess what?!  then i guess you just gonna have deal with being broke.  i'm sorry if you have family memebers that are ill, they don't seem to want to get well at all.  what do you want me to do?  you is a grown person.  depending on something that will make in turn give you some money isn't something that should depend on.  seriously.  if that's the case, why don't you just go right on ahead and get disability so that you can get a monthly check so you don't ever have to work.  it's so irritating hearing all these complaints.  oh and by the way, your lifestyle isn't the best to be living as well.  especially if you don't have the funds to live it.  you hate asking money well fine, but you do anyways.  shame on you.  grown as hell and you a begger.  you say you live the lifestyle you do because of the illness in your home.  you can't win can you?  no, you can't because you refuse to take the nessaccery steps to get on top.  instead you look for an easier way to get out.  i'm sorry, shit just don't work like that.  i work hard to get where i am at.  my story is different, i might not live with the pain that you bear or the illness that consumes your home and your family but trust me when i say, i know how it feels hurt, to be around illness, and to be broke.  don't for once doubt where i have been, where i'm at and where i will be.

who's got the attitude?

so this bitch comes in with her son yesterday.  she called ahead of time to see if i was working and till what time.  i was nice to her.  she came in later during my shift.  i said to her, haircut for "his name" and she responded with "yes."  so i finished up the lady that was in my chair.  i called him back to my chair when i was done with sweeping up the hair and what not.  i drape the boy, and before i proceeded, i asked, "how am i cutting his hair?"  in a nice tone but almost annoyed because the bitch was rolling her eyes at me.  she gave me the, "are you that fucken dumb you dumb fucken worthless peice of shit bitch" look.  so i repeated my question and still the same look.  so i reworded my question, "did you want me to give him a bald fade or just low all over?"  i asked twice with that question, and she gave me the same look twice.  finally, i said with an irritated voice, " you want me to cut it low or a bald fade?!"  i guess that musta snapped her out of her fucken daze and she said, "how ever you've been cutting it!" so snapped back with, "i don't remember how i cut it last time, it has been a while since i've cut his hair."  and she gave me that fucken retarded look and said, "low all over," rolled her eyes and sighed.  so i took a one and blade and cut it.  then i asked her nicely, "is this okay or did you want it lower?"  she huffed and puffed and got up and  said lower after she gave me the stink eye look.  which made her even fuglier.  so i took the zero A and did my thing.  lined the kid up and everything, asked him if he wanted to see the back of his hair, and he responded with, " i don't know!"  and got up and left.  talk about the apple not falling far from the fucken tree!!!  so i ring the haircut up, the bitch comes up and says, "can i ask you a question?  now, do you have a problem cutting my son's hair, because i sense some tension, and if you don't want to cut his hair, we ain't gotta come back here."  what i wanted to say was, "bitch shut the fuck up you fucken retarded ugly nasty bitch, don't ever come back here with yo stanking attitude you annoying fuck."  but i just sighed and said, "no i don't," which was true, i don't have a problem with him, it's with her.  "are you sure?  cos i won't tolerate this, and i don't need yo business."  i said, "you know what, i had a bad day."  she responds with, "i'm a nurse and i work 12 hour shifts, i have bad days too, and you are rude and unprofessional.  that lady over there can sense the tension between you and my son."  i just smiled, gave her reciept and said, " have a great rest of your evening."

now, in my defense, yes i was rude.  but you must understand, this bitch when i first cut her son's hair about four years ago, she stated the following things:
"is that man here today?  he usually cuts my son's hair"
"can you cut black hair?"
"are you good?"
"i don't want you fucking up his hair"

after i finished she responds back with:
"you actually did a good job"
"i'll come back to you when that man ain't here"

she left, didn't come back for another year.  when she came back, she let me cut his hair once and that boy told his mom that i was rough on his head, seriously?  his head was hard and bumpy, i was being careful but hell if he wanna talk shit too fine.  whatever, i apologize to him and to his bitch mama.  a month later she came back in, i worked an 8 hour shift and i actually stayed an hour later due to the volume that came in.  i was in the middle of cleaning up my station and she asked me if i could take him real quick and i looked at her and said, "i'm sorry, i was suppose to be gone an hour ago, and i have plans, i can't take him right now.  i'm already late for something important"  the bitch rolled her eyes, huffed and puffed and stormed out of the store.  it wasn't until later that i found out that she going to my coworker to get her son's hair cut.  so about two months ago, she called and asked when my coworker was coming in that day, i told her that she left the store and was at another store.  so she came in and asked for me personally.  so when it was her son's turn, she came up to me and said in a very nasty voice like she didn't really want me to cut his hair, "just cut it low and give him a nice lining.  oh, yea, he ain't really got a hair line in the front.  are you going to be able to make him a hair line?"  looked me up and down like i was some kind of dumb broad who didn't know what the fuck i was doing.  i nodded and said, "yes i can, it is my job"  smiled at her and started my work, and she rolled her eyes at me and left to sit in the lobby. 

every single time, this bitch gives me an attitude, so why is that when i was fed up and and i tried to be nice and "professional" to her she wanted to get slick with me?  i know my role at my work, does this bitch?  hell if her fucken attitude is like that when she comes to my work, i wonder how the fuck she is at work.  talking about she a nurse and works 12 hour shifts, like this bitch knows anything about me and what's going on in my life.  i am not one to talk about my personal life and business to just anyone.  and i do hope this bitch don't ever come back.

and for the record, she wasn't the frist person to pissed me off yesterday.  she wasn't the last either.  and i do have a lot going on in my life.  it was so fustrating yesterday that i almost went to walgreens to buy a pack of cigarettes so i can smoke.  smh...stressful foreal!!!  i can't stand these people!!!  urgh!!!

but i'm good today though.  i started working out again, and eating healthy.  the whole not smoking thing is going well i suppose.  i mean i still have a couple of puffs when i'm out drinking.  but i don't smoke when i'm not under the influence.  i know better.  and i really shouldn't be smoking those little puffs when i'm out and drinking as well...but that will come soon enough.  as long as i don't start becoming dependant on the cigarettes, i should be okay.

lost but not found

i think it's amazing how people can be so close and yet never know each other at all.  people that you just met already claming you to be their best friend forever.  what the hell is that!?  seriously, i just found out your name.  just chill already sheesh!  but on the real, i don't understand how people are just so giving and open to letting these people in.  i for one have come to realize that people can NOT be trusted.  they are evil and coniving and hurtful.  two faced liars that back stab you from the front.  yes!!!  they do it from the front now too.  i guess when push comes to shove, it's me over you bitch kinda shit.  i seriously need to help out a friends application to people that i meet or something.  i can't trust these people.  and i'm sorry if i do NOT want to hang out with your 24/7, apparently you aren't that pleasant for me to hang out with all the time.  if you were my friend, you would know that i don't need to be with you all the time.  don't feel that i don't want to be your friend, but you are just suffocating me.  besides the fact that we just met.

for those that are my friends, or call yourself my friends, understand that when i don't feel like seeing you it's not because i'm mad at you.  i just have a lot of things on my mind and i can't handle being around people.  and i don't like to share my business out to the whole world, so mos def do not feel bad if i don't want to share what's bothering me or is going on behind closed doors.  i'll let you know in good time.  i like to try to solve it myself frist.  if only then when i can't, i'll let you know that i need help.  no, i don't have too much pride to accept help.  if i can't be there besides you it's because there is a lesson of you learning that you can handle it yourself.  you don't need me to help you.  you can do this yourself.  don't hate me.  you do have to fall and get up yourself sometimes...

do know that if you are lost, you aren't lost forever, but when the time presents itself and i don't come looking for you.  you won't ever be found.  and if you can't see what you did, then i don't have the energy, time or patience to explain myself.  you still won't see what you did wrong. 

drive

i don't have the drive to do anything anymore...what's wrong with me?  am i just stuck in a rut where i don't have any movtivation for anything!!!  i don't like being the one that's not movtivated at all, it sucks.  i feel like i'm the one dragging everyone down from their high, their fun!  maybe i am stressed to the point of depression.  blah!  and i'm starting to find that everything that everyone does, is starting to really irritate me...it sucks.  blah!!!  i suppose we will find out the true verdict.  you know, maybe that's what's been bothering me...and when i find the verdict, i'll be able to know what and how to deal with it...fingers crossed.

dreams

as of late, you've been appearing my in dreams.  is it because i miss you?  is it because i hate you?  i'm not sure what it is.  but in my dream, i'm still not speaking to you, nore do i want to be in the same room.  but as stubborn as i am, i won't leave and allow you to have the satifaction of me bowing down.  i don't want this to last forever.  i want this to be okay between us.  i guess i'm still very hurt for what happened between us.  and i don't know how to shake if off.  maybe the closure i thought i go was good enought wasn't.  i mean, there are days where i spend just thinking about how you are.  how work is if you even work.  how school is.  how your love life is.  if you are hurting.  if you are stressed.  if you are even thinking of me, or even missing me.  and i guess what also hurted more, was the fact that i probably was the one who pushed you away to cutting all ties with me.  i guess i did grab all the things i needed to burn the bridge up.  only to not be able to ignite it.  and with you seeing that i armed the bridge between us, you figured why not just end it as it is.  and so you lit it up.  no more bridge there.  all i wanted to do was to make you see what you did.  why you hurted and how deeply is was.  but i guess in the end, i was the one to get hurt always.  and i always do this to myself.  i am weak.  i'm just not as strong as i thought i was.

thoughts

it's hard doing this whole not smoking thing, it's like i'm having relapses every saturday i swear!  i seem to want and always get a puff or two on saturday.  i went with my girlfriend to get her tattoo done last saturday, and we ended up at my house, after three bottles of wine, i found myself finishing up the last glass of wine after i had a couple of drags from her cigarettes.  my will just seems to die when i'm intoxicated with alcohol.  sad.  i'm going to try to make it through this weekend nicotine free!  on the upside, i'm going to johnson's creek this sunday to do some shopping at the outlet mall.  my fatty felt bad that i didn't know the family went to gurnee mills to do some shopping there.  but i suppose we shall see how much money i can really spend after i'm done paying all my bills.  tomorrow, well, technically today, is going to be a long day.  working out, laundry, a little cleaning and possibly if i have the time, write my book.  i have a lot on my mind that i need to vent out.  just seems like i don't really have anyone to vent to.  am i pathetic or what?!  too much.  anywho, i should get in bed and try to get some sleep.  wished i had worked out earlier instead of at 11 at night.  blah!