argh

i suppose i've officially rendered weak.  i can't accept anything for what they are.  i think i'm being lied to.  but then again, i don't care anymore.  i'm just so off of my own self that i can't clearly think.  how did become who i am today?  i'm not this weak, i'm suppose to be the strong one for all my babes.  i'm suppose to be the one that holds everyone up, to see them off, to make sure they are comfortable, to make sure that they are alright and to make sure that they always have someone to lean on when they need it.  and now, i feel like i need someone.  i don't like feeling like this...and lord help me.  i think i just need to be alone...i don't like being alone...being alone makes me think too much.  and i'm sure of it; thinking will be the death of me.  but i think i want a new chapter in my life.  one that i'm not ready to face and confront.  i'm afraid, scared, terrified, alone, and confused.  i'm just not happy anymore.  after all this time spent and all this effort, a part of me wants to just lose it all and start fresh and new somewhere else where no one knows me.  is it wrong for me to want all that?  i think it is.  i think it's very selfish of me.  not to consider anyone's thoughts, feelings, opinion and love.  who am i?

too much

maybe i am doing way too much, or you just aren't seeing things they way i want you to.  everything i do i do with a purpose.  maybe i am just a broad that just fucked up in the head.  i don't know how i can deal with this anymore.  i want to just give it all up.  walk away from it all and just disappear.  there's so many things that i can't explain why i feel the way i do.  and if i could explain it, i would.  no one seems to understand.  i'm tired of hiding it, tired of masking it, tired of trying to forget it.  i want to forget it all.  just lose it all.  but i still want it all.  this isn't me.  this is not who i am.  i'm stronger than this.  why am i so weak.  it hurts too much to even think about anything at all anymore.  my head hurts, my heart hurts my soul hurts my body hurts.  everything hurts.  i don't know what to think anymore.  with that smile on my face is what i'll keep wearing.  he doesn't know.  and if he does, he sure is acting like he don't see it.  but whatever.  we just gonna keep it as it is.  walls are getting higher and thicker.

these dreams

so lately i've been dreaming about a certain person...and it's been bothering me. they aren't ongoing dreams as to of where i left off at...but each dream is new and fresh. and they are usually wet dreams at that.  so i decided to look them up...and what i found out about them is rather interesting...last night i dreamt about all these things in my dream.

 

Find: to dream that you find someone, indicates that you are identifying new facets of a relationship. You may be taking the relationship to a new level and/or direction.

Drinking: to dream tat you are drinking water, represents spiritual refreshment. You will find resolution by looking within yourself and your past. Alternatively, the dream maybe indicate that you are really thirsty.

To dream that you are drinking alcohol, denotes that you are seeking either pleasure or escape. In particular, if you are drinking wine, then it is symbolic of a divine power.

River: to see a clear and calm river in your dream, indicates that you are just going with the flow. You are allowing your life to float away. It is time to take a more decisive role in directing your life. Alternatively, a river symbolizes joyful pleasures, peace, prosperity and fertility. If you are crossing a river in your dream, then it represents an obstacle or issue that you need to deal with in order to move closer toward your goal. Is is also a reflective of a new stage in your life. If the river is muddy, then it indicates that you are in turmoil.

Cell Phone: to see or use a cell phone in your dream, indicates that you are being receptive to new information. It also represents your mobility. Alternatively, the dream signifies lack of understanding. Perhaps you are having difficulties getting through to someone.

Sand Dunes: to see a sane dune in your dream, signifies your desires to be sheltered from the bitterness of reality.

Sand: to see sand in your dream signifies a shift in perspective or a change in your attitude. Consider the familiar phrase, “the sands of time” in which it may be suggesting that you are wasting your time or letting time pass you by. If the sand is wet, then it indicates that you are lacking a sense of balance in your life.

hmm...and then i think about the person i've been dreaming about and it confuses me...these things are so vague...smh...what am i going to do?!!!

what the hells!

this whole weekend had been a drunken mess!!  i mean, i don't think i was ever really sober!  and i think i've been drinking way too much!  and then there's the smoking...omg, i smoked so much over the weekend.  i know i'm supposed to be have quit, but omg, when it comes to the drinking, i need it.  i feel like crap!  lungs are hurting!!!!  my liver isn't feeling so well either.  but i did have a very good weekend even though i was so tired and drunk.

these dreams are confusing me and making me feel strange.  i hate it.  i keep dreaming about Him.  they only started coming when he came back.  i don't need this.  i'm suppose to be fine with all of this.  i wish i could open up and just tell someone.  it's so hard.  and things just keeps getting more and more complicated.  i want to be fine, i want this to just go away.  i want him to leave, but then again, i don't want him to ever go.  a great friend he is.  i need the distance like all the time.  and i suppose She doesn't help me either.  but i will be okay.  i know i will.

aside all that bull!!!  i want to start saving for my passport, go to florida for my birthday next year, seeing that i can't do it this year in a few weeks.  fatty wants to go to cali to see his sister, brother in law and his nieces.  i suppose we can do that in the winter.  but i need to start saving!!!  i have way too much going on in my little head of mine, i'm starting to think that i won't be able to achieve anything!!!  argh!!!

okay i need to get off and get ready for work and make lunch.  or else i'm going to be late!

love

people comes and go.  how do you know when love is really there or not?  i mean, you find your frist love and they leave you scarred.  you met someone new and they give their world to you and yet you are still afraid to give your all and place your heart in the hands of another stranger, not knowing if they are going to rip it apart now or later or ever.  it's hard, but while i was having this conversation with my fatty last night, he said, "when you find that one person who you feel is true to you, the overwhelming feeling of them hurting you will no longer be there.  they only feeling you should feel is knowing that this time around, you'll get to be treated the way you deserved to be treated.  love will overcome all doubts."  now that was some deep fried snickers! 

how do you explain to someone that you love/like them?  you can't!  there is no explaination to why you fall for someone.  you just know deep inside, you really do.  i ask my fatty all the time why he loves me, i just love hearing his stupid reasons, and he always says, "seriously?  do you really have to ask?"  lol.  yes!!!!  of course!!!  i am a woman and i need to know!!!  haha!!!  no but seriously, if someone asked me why i love him, i couldn't say, i wouldn't know really where to start.  i just do.

now what do you do when you're already in love with someone and bam!  someone comes waltzing in and you want to spend every waking moment with them?  what kinda buttery popcorn balls did you just find yourself in?!  is that wrong?  or is it because the sparks are gone.  or is it because you have fallen outta love?  or is it because you just want to have a little fun?  whatever the case may be, you just find out the answer and soon!  judgement will not be made until the deed is done!!!  haha!!!  that sounded funny. 

dreams are what you make of them.  you might not know what they mean but they mean something.  i have strange dreams...what can i make of them?!!  but i keep having these dreams with the same people all the time...it's starting to worry me.  oh well, it'll all work out on it's own i suppose. 

and lawd it's the end of may and it's cold as ever!!!  blah!!!

i get what i want when i want don't i?

this was the thought and the mentality that i lived by for so long.  and i still do, but only to a certain degree.  i am a girl and every girl is a princess at heart! ;)  but as i said, something happened that wasn't suppose to happen.  i anticipated that it would, and it did, and i thought i could handle it.  but turns out i don't think i can.  i don't know if i can take this anymore.  i hate what this has become.  me trying to surpress my feelings.  maybe i should have just let it all out when i was in chicago, but if i did, would it had made any difference?  that's a question that has been dwelling in my head after this long chaotic weekend!  would we remain friends or something less?  is it worth the loss if nothing is gained?  but if i don't do anything to simmer these feelings down, i will only be led to think about the what if...jeez, it sucks being grown.  maybe it's time to just talk about it and try to work this situation out to see if i can prevent this from happening again.  once too many times already has this gone too far.  let's see if i can bring myself to confront the issue in it's face.

friends, frienemy, or not

i hate to say this but it's the truth, i don't have a lot real friends.  those that i do have are just a handful.  and none of them knows all of me completely.  one knows this and one knows that.  but never everything about me.  it's not that i don't trust them, i just feel that they aren't ready to accept that part of me.  or i just feel like they don't want to see that side of me, that deep down inside, they understand and know that i am capable but just don't want to believe it.  which is fine by me.  i don't really care.  if you want to see me for what you only want to i'm totally okay with it.  some friends will never know me at all.  and for that reason, i don't speak to them ever.  only convience they hold on me is just an occasional "hi, how are you?  how have you been?  what's new with you?  totally, we should hang out more often." 

my friends are there for me for certain times and only that.  but do know that even though i only need them for certain things, i am loyal to them and i hope that they are loyal to me as well.  it's true, they say i need people to live, but i am fine without that particular person in my life as well.  i don't need someone who think they can do me wrongly and i will just accept them back into my life just like that.  i will argue my point.  and i will voice what you did to wrong me.  but if you want to bring out your list of what i did to you that pissed you off, i will walk away.  and once i walk away, that bridge has basically just been burned. 

just because i burned a bridge doesn't mean i won't be civil.  why do people think that i can't be civil and that i'm a bitch?  i'm not!  i will say hi to you or wave to you and mean it sincerely.  really i would.  but you got another thing coming if i did that just to despite you.  i'm too grown for these childish games.  grow up, act your age and lighten up!  i am not here to start another war and i most definately don't want to take any casualites either.  i am not one who will make mutal friends take sides.  i will voice my side and i will let you go back and listen to the other side, and you can decide where you stand.  i'm not the type to make anyone choose, you are a grown person, make your own decisions.

about a couple of weeks ago something happened and i now understand everything clearly now.  i was told that i was loved dearly by a friend of mine.  craziest thing was, she told me that she really appreciated my friendship and for being there by not being there, which sounds a bit crazy, i know.  i also didn't understand it so she explained it to me.  while she was going through her low and her most stressful time of her life up till now, not once did i pressure her to tell me what she was going through.  just me telling her that whenever she was ready to talk i was here to lend my ear and i won't judge.  i almost cried when she cried to me telling me that there wasn't really anyone out there who was like who i was.  and that i should never change.  i will never change, not for anyone.  i am who i am.  what i've been through is what made me who i am today.  if i do change, i pray that it's for the better.

which brought me to think, "kabria, how many of your "friends" ever told you that you meant a lot to them and that they really love you and really truely deeply appreciated you?"  the answer was scarce.  and my fatty doesn't count.  =)  but that also brought me to when i was attached to the hip with a certain person for two years.  not once did they tell or attempted to tell me that they appreciated me.  all the lying, covering up and the lows that i did for them.  not a thank you.  that's really sad.  i'm very hurt, but you know what?!  what's done is done.  that bridge has been burned with out any explaination.  for what they did to me was something that i didn't think they would do.  and i'm glad i let it go when i did.  i would have lost everything that meant anything to me. 

bridges, i was told by a close friend that burning bridges weren't good, that i should just not tread acrosss it.  well, that's true.  not saying that it's not.  i just prefer to think of it as, if the bridge is already broken, just burn it and walk away.  however, if one day, the occassion arises and i need to cross that river, i will build another bridge in hopes that this bridge will be stronger than the last.  and if i was wrong once more and it breaks, i'm going the make there is a drought after i burn that bridge, render that land infertile, plant a jungle on my side of the shoreline and infest it with tiger, lions, bears and everything nasty.  i usually don't give second chances, so if you get one, make sure you take good measure to it.  my life is too important to waste it away with someone who don't feel the way i feel about life.

a lot has happened to me in the 26 years that i've been on this earth.  i don't need anyone arguements to tell me that i haven't lived life yet.  nor am i going to share my life just to prove myself to anyone that i have lived.  i follow my own set of rules i've made for myself along with the guidelines that my parents have imprinted in my head with.  i do what i feel is right and what i know is fit.  i have nothing to prove to anyone.  if i did something to impress you, love me, hate me, praise me, insult me, degrade me, i don't care.  as long as i am proud of myself and know that i did what i could i can live with myself.  i don't need followers and i don't follow.  i am me and i know that there is only one of me.  so deal with it.  i accepted that i already have to live with myself.  =)