which bad friend are you?

fake friends all around me. when i need you, you ain't no where to be found. i never asked for you fucken advice i just want you to just shut the fuck up and just listen. stop trying to act like you know what the fuck i'm going through, because last i checked, you didn't know me when it happened. nor do you know what it is because you ain't never been in a relationship or never really had any real friends.

i'm also getting very fucken tired of listening to your repeat of a fucken problem. talking about the same issue you've have for years. bitch, if you don't like the situation, change it. this shit ain't no phase. if it was a phase, you'd be so over it already. quit lying to yourself.

a good friend is hard to find, unfortunately, in our friendship, it seems to only be one way. i was the good friend. i was the one you could trust. i can't trust you. because i can't even count on you for simple things. yes we get together and nothing has changed, but i can't deal with people who claim to be my good friend with tons of baggages.

letting a man change who you are, what you do, who you hang out with and everything else is just fucken wrong. i can't be that friend who waits on your hand and feet when you do that to your fucken man. sorry, i have a life and though it may not be the greateset, i love it. do you love your pathetic life?

nothing changes a friendship more than mixed and confused feelings. just let it be. ride it out like how a woman rides a dick. for goodness sake!!! you want this, then you want that! i give and i give to you what you ask for, but everytime i do as you say, you want something else. well, in that case fuck it. i ain't got the time. when i let you go, you will be sorry as fuck and lonely like where you were for the past five years.

the only thing that i realized in this short life of mine, is that i can only count on myself. friends comes and go, when i went through my absolute low, my rock bottom, none of you bitches were there. the only one person who was there to pick up my broken body, my shattered heart and my dashed hopes was the man i thought i was going to use. sad where i'm at, which is great, and where you are. no one will ever comprend me and i prefer it like that.

my life is mine. your life is your's. stop trying to fuck with mine.

the convient friend.

is it really that neccessary for you to repeatedly make plans with me and blow me off after i've clearly cleared my whole schedule out for you? do you really have to answer my question? no. know why? because i already know the answer to my own question. what is it you ask? the answer to that is yes. not sure if you know you are doing it, you are. i just don't know if it's intentional or accidental. whatever the case may be, i really don't give a crap. you tell me, "oh, let's get together and do something soon, i miss you so much! it's been forever! i know! let's do dinner!!!" and then the day comes...and i'm having dinner with myself. brilliant i say. smh. even after i keep telling myself that you will come through, or that you won't disappoint me this time or just give you the benefit of the doubt, i always get the same outcome; you don't follow through. so, i believe it's time for to just ignore all your calls, texts, and emails. i don't need a relationship of a 'friend' that is convient at your convience. i need a friend that will be at my and their convience. as of late, i'm starting to see that a lot of my friends are treating me like the convient friend. only thing is, they seem to think i don't know that i already know. however, i think they lack the knowledge that, it's me that they really need, or that without me, they'd be nothing. i'm not saying i'm the bestest best friend in the world, no. i just wanted to be treated like a friend. i'm just tired of hearing, "she fucked me over, but you, you will never change. no matter how much time has passed between our last encounter, we pick up right where we left off as if months hadn't past us by. you really are my one and only true friend." well, hell, if that's the case then, why am i sitting at home wondering why you out there with them, "them" are the ones that "fucked you over" just last night. ha! seems like you just like bitch friends. i'm done. i can't do this anymore. all this complaining and i'm still second to last. thank you for making me feel so nice and loved. next time i am proposed with another, "hey! let's do dinner! it's been way too long!!!" i'll smile and comply and then an half hour before dinner and i won't even give you a good reason, "i just don't feel like dinner anymore. matter fact, i ate already. how bout we do this next time. =)" i wonder if you'll like that. maybe then, you might just know how i feel. then again, why give my hopes up for that as well. ha!

argh

i suppose i've officially rendered weak.  i can't accept anything for what they are.  i think i'm being lied to.  but then again, i don't care anymore.  i'm just so off of my own self that i can't clearly think.  how did become who i am today?  i'm not this weak, i'm suppose to be the strong one for all my babes.  i'm suppose to be the one that holds everyone up, to see them off, to make sure they are comfortable, to make sure that they are alright and to make sure that they always have someone to lean on when they need it.  and now, i feel like i need someone.  i don't like feeling like this...and lord help me.  i think i just need to be alone...i don't like being alone...being alone makes me think too much.  and i'm sure of it; thinking will be the death of me.  but i think i want a new chapter in my life.  one that i'm not ready to face and confront.  i'm afraid, scared, terrified, alone, and confused.  i'm just not happy anymore.  after all this time spent and all this effort, a part of me wants to just lose it all and start fresh and new somewhere else where no one knows me.  is it wrong for me to want all that?  i think it is.  i think it's very selfish of me.  not to consider anyone's thoughts, feelings, opinion and love.  who am i?

too much

maybe i am doing way too much, or you just aren't seeing things they way i want you to.  everything i do i do with a purpose.  maybe i am just a broad that just fucked up in the head.  i don't know how i can deal with this anymore.  i want to just give it all up.  walk away from it all and just disappear.  there's so many things that i can't explain why i feel the way i do.  and if i could explain it, i would.  no one seems to understand.  i'm tired of hiding it, tired of masking it, tired of trying to forget it.  i want to forget it all.  just lose it all.  but i still want it all.  this isn't me.  this is not who i am.  i'm stronger than this.  why am i so weak.  it hurts too much to even think about anything at all anymore.  my head hurts, my heart hurts my soul hurts my body hurts.  everything hurts.  i don't know what to think anymore.  with that smile on my face is what i'll keep wearing.  he doesn't know.  and if he does, he sure is acting like he don't see it.  but whatever.  we just gonna keep it as it is.  walls are getting higher and thicker.

these dreams

so lately i've been dreaming about a certain person...and it's been bothering me. they aren't ongoing dreams as to of where i left off at...but each dream is new and fresh. and they are usually wet dreams at that.  so i decided to look them up...and what i found out about them is rather interesting...last night i dreamt about all these things in my dream.

 

Find: to dream that you find someone, indicates that you are identifying new facets of a relationship. You may be taking the relationship to a new level and/or direction.

Drinking: to dream tat you are drinking water, represents spiritual refreshment. You will find resolution by looking within yourself and your past. Alternatively, the dream maybe indicate that you are really thirsty.

To dream that you are drinking alcohol, denotes that you are seeking either pleasure or escape. In particular, if you are drinking wine, then it is symbolic of a divine power.

River: to see a clear and calm river in your dream, indicates that you are just going with the flow. You are allowing your life to float away. It is time to take a more decisive role in directing your life. Alternatively, a river symbolizes joyful pleasures, peace, prosperity and fertility. If you are crossing a river in your dream, then it represents an obstacle or issue that you need to deal with in order to move closer toward your goal. Is is also a reflective of a new stage in your life. If the river is muddy, then it indicates that you are in turmoil.

Cell Phone: to see or use a cell phone in your dream, indicates that you are being receptive to new information. It also represents your mobility. Alternatively, the dream signifies lack of understanding. Perhaps you are having difficulties getting through to someone.

Sand Dunes: to see a sane dune in your dream, signifies your desires to be sheltered from the bitterness of reality.

Sand: to see sand in your dream signifies a shift in perspective or a change in your attitude. Consider the familiar phrase, “the sands of time” in which it may be suggesting that you are wasting your time or letting time pass you by. If the sand is wet, then it indicates that you are lacking a sense of balance in your life.

hmm...and then i think about the person i've been dreaming about and it confuses me...these things are so vague...smh...what am i going to do?!!!

what the hells!

this whole weekend had been a drunken mess!!  i mean, i don't think i was ever really sober!  and i think i've been drinking way too much!  and then there's the smoking...omg, i smoked so much over the weekend.  i know i'm supposed to be have quit, but omg, when it comes to the drinking, i need it.  i feel like crap!  lungs are hurting!!!!  my liver isn't feeling so well either.  but i did have a very good weekend even though i was so tired and drunk.

these dreams are confusing me and making me feel strange.  i hate it.  i keep dreaming about Him.  they only started coming when he came back.  i don't need this.  i'm suppose to be fine with all of this.  i wish i could open up and just tell someone.  it's so hard.  and things just keeps getting more and more complicated.  i want to be fine, i want this to just go away.  i want him to leave, but then again, i don't want him to ever go.  a great friend he is.  i need the distance like all the time.  and i suppose She doesn't help me either.  but i will be okay.  i know i will.

aside all that bull!!!  i want to start saving for my passport, go to florida for my birthday next year, seeing that i can't do it this year in a few weeks.  fatty wants to go to cali to see his sister, brother in law and his nieces.  i suppose we can do that in the winter.  but i need to start saving!!!  i have way too much going on in my little head of mine, i'm starting to think that i won't be able to achieve anything!!!  argh!!!

okay i need to get off and get ready for work and make lunch.  or else i'm going to be late!

love

people comes and go.  how do you know when love is really there or not?  i mean, you find your frist love and they leave you scarred.  you met someone new and they give their world to you and yet you are still afraid to give your all and place your heart in the hands of another stranger, not knowing if they are going to rip it apart now or later or ever.  it's hard, but while i was having this conversation with my fatty last night, he said, "when you find that one person who you feel is true to you, the overwhelming feeling of them hurting you will no longer be there.  they only feeling you should feel is knowing that this time around, you'll get to be treated the way you deserved to be treated.  love will overcome all doubts."  now that was some deep fried snickers! 

how do you explain to someone that you love/like them?  you can't!  there is no explaination to why you fall for someone.  you just know deep inside, you really do.  i ask my fatty all the time why he loves me, i just love hearing his stupid reasons, and he always says, "seriously?  do you really have to ask?"  lol.  yes!!!!  of course!!!  i am a woman and i need to know!!!  haha!!!  no but seriously, if someone asked me why i love him, i couldn't say, i wouldn't know really where to start.  i just do.

now what do you do when you're already in love with someone and bam!  someone comes waltzing in and you want to spend every waking moment with them?  what kinda buttery popcorn balls did you just find yourself in?!  is that wrong?  or is it because the sparks are gone.  or is it because you have fallen outta love?  or is it because you just want to have a little fun?  whatever the case may be, you just find out the answer and soon!  judgement will not be made until the deed is done!!!  haha!!!  that sounded funny. 

dreams are what you make of them.  you might not know what they mean but they mean something.  i have strange dreams...what can i make of them?!!  but i keep having these dreams with the same people all the time...it's starting to worry me.  oh well, it'll all work out on it's own i suppose. 

and lawd it's the end of may and it's cold as ever!!!  blah!!!