hurt

everyday it hurts a little less and more. i know i just totally did not make sense. every day is a struggle to forget the what happened and the what was and the what will be and what is. i'm not ready to make peace with myself or anyone. so i lock myself up within myself and tell me that i will be okay. this is the way i cope with my troubles. the wounds that won't heal are constantly ripped open and salt and sand is sprinkled and rubbed raw until i see nothing but red and i feel numb. numb...it's what i've been for the longest time. i have no one to blame for but myself. there is no one to point the finger at but myself. he said that he felt like he was alone in this; he's not. i'm here for him. it is i who is alone in this. it's not like this is what i wanted. i wanted it to be all different. what i had imagined in my head was never this. but what happened is what happened and i have to live with the decisions. i don't want to ask for anymore than what i am handed. i feel so selfish if i asked. i'm so scared to speak how i really feel; so scared that i can't even write it down. for once in my life, i'm at a total lost for words and thoughts. so everyday, the pain is lifted a little bit and then at the end of the day, i'm just reminded of how much it hurts. but it is what it is.

fears and tears

when i say i love you, i mean it. when i say i miss you, i meant it too. when i say i need you, i really need you. when you stop hearing those things coming from my mouth you should start to worry.

a couple of my fears are for not a single soul to not understand me at all. and as of late, it's a big thing. i try so hard to explain and make it clear, but nothing! it seems like no one wants to take me serious enough. i'm tired of this. i'm 27, i don't need to be looked at as a mindless, careless and irresponsible 17 year old! i know what i want and i know what i don't need. when i say something don't look at me like i'm crazy. and yes, i may come off as a little "off", but i know what it is that i want. even if it's a bad idea. i tend to be not right in the head, but these crazy things that i think of and come up with are what i feel is right. so when you laugh in my face, remember that you just killed a little at a time.

when i shed a tear, it means that i care enough for you to cry. even if i don't know you, you obviously had that kind of impact on me. don't take me for granted and don't think that i'm that emotional. there is a life force connection of some sort that i can feel your pain, sorrow and happiness that i can cry and laugh and feel the same way you do. don't for one second think i'm faking it. i don't fake my emotions.

i don't ask for much, but when i do ask for your undivided attention, i really need it. it means that i'm out of sorts and i need someone to just be there for me. a shoulder to cry on, a friend to make me laugh or just someone to hold me. i and self sufficent enough to do things on my own, but when i say i need you, i really need you. meaning i've done everything that i can already and i can't do this alone. don't deny me, i won't resent it nor will i hold a grudge. what i get from that will be don't ask them again. and maybe you will think twice about it. i will continue on doing things for you, until i feel that i don't need to anymore. and when that happens, you won't realize that you just lost someone.

i'm not a child, just tell me what you want. i'm telling you what i want. just keep it real with me.

what you think you know about me

whatever it is that you think you know about me isn't what you thought you did, it's what you assumed you knew. time has come and passed, no one ever stays the same. we are humans and humans are made to adapt. for whatever reason that you can't adapt, i'm sorry, but you will be left behind to be ridiculed.

i'm sorry if i'm a mess, but if you can't help me in any way, just tell me, i'm fine without your help. just don't make a poor excuse and pretend that you do care and that you do want to help. save your pity for someone else who can't tell the difference between pity and sympathy.

i'm sick and tired of everyone telling me what is good for me. if that's the case then just let me leave and don't present me with your issues. if i can't handle my own issues, doesn't that mean i can't help you solve your's? and if we were friends, wouldn't you want to help me solve my problems as well? why is it that i feel like i'm only there for you but when i need someone the most, everyone is quick to turn their shoulders on me? there is a reason why i have no friends.

lonely is what i'll have to accept. i can't deal with two faced people who claim to be things that they can't. or make promises that they can't keep. and make plans that fall through. i go through this every couple of months. why can't i find people who are on my level?!

i'm not the same person i was a five-ten years ago, let alone last year.

just be real with me. that's all i'm asking.

which bad friend are you?

fake friends all around me. when i need you, you ain't no where to be found. i never asked for you fucken advice i just want you to just shut the fuck up and just listen. stop trying to act like you know what the fuck i'm going through, because last i checked, you didn't know me when it happened. nor do you know what it is because you ain't never been in a relationship or never really had any real friends.

i'm also getting very fucken tired of listening to your repeat of a fucken problem. talking about the same issue you've have for years. bitch, if you don't like the situation, change it. this shit ain't no phase. if it was a phase, you'd be so over it already. quit lying to yourself.

a good friend is hard to find, unfortunately, in our friendship, it seems to only be one way. i was the good friend. i was the one you could trust. i can't trust you. because i can't even count on you for simple things. yes we get together and nothing has changed, but i can't deal with people who claim to be my good friend with tons of baggages.

letting a man change who you are, what you do, who you hang out with and everything else is just fucken wrong. i can't be that friend who waits on your hand and feet when you do that to your fucken man. sorry, i have a life and though it may not be the greateset, i love it. do you love your pathetic life?

nothing changes a friendship more than mixed and confused feelings. just let it be. ride it out like how a woman rides a dick. for goodness sake!!! you want this, then you want that! i give and i give to you what you ask for, but everytime i do as you say, you want something else. well, in that case fuck it. i ain't got the time. when i let you go, you will be sorry as fuck and lonely like where you were for the past five years.

the only thing that i realized in this short life of mine, is that i can only count on myself. friends comes and go, when i went through my absolute low, my rock bottom, none of you bitches were there. the only one person who was there to pick up my broken body, my shattered heart and my dashed hopes was the man i thought i was going to use. sad where i'm at, which is great, and where you are. no one will ever comprend me and i prefer it like that.

my life is mine. your life is your's. stop trying to fuck with mine.

the convient friend.

is it really that neccessary for you to repeatedly make plans with me and blow me off after i've clearly cleared my whole schedule out for you? do you really have to answer my question? no. know why? because i already know the answer to my own question. what is it you ask? the answer to that is yes. not sure if you know you are doing it, you are. i just don't know if it's intentional or accidental. whatever the case may be, i really don't give a crap. you tell me, "oh, let's get together and do something soon, i miss you so much! it's been forever! i know! let's do dinner!!!" and then the day comes...and i'm having dinner with myself. brilliant i say. smh. even after i keep telling myself that you will come through, or that you won't disappoint me this time or just give you the benefit of the doubt, i always get the same outcome; you don't follow through. so, i believe it's time for to just ignore all your calls, texts, and emails. i don't need a relationship of a 'friend' that is convient at your convience. i need a friend that will be at my and their convience. as of late, i'm starting to see that a lot of my friends are treating me like the convient friend. only thing is, they seem to think i don't know that i already know. however, i think they lack the knowledge that, it's me that they really need, or that without me, they'd be nothing. i'm not saying i'm the bestest best friend in the world, no. i just wanted to be treated like a friend. i'm just tired of hearing, "she fucked me over, but you, you will never change. no matter how much time has passed between our last encounter, we pick up right where we left off as if months hadn't past us by. you really are my one and only true friend." well, hell, if that's the case then, why am i sitting at home wondering why you out there with them, "them" are the ones that "fucked you over" just last night. ha! seems like you just like bitch friends. i'm done. i can't do this anymore. all this complaining and i'm still second to last. thank you for making me feel so nice and loved. next time i am proposed with another, "hey! let's do dinner! it's been way too long!!!" i'll smile and comply and then an half hour before dinner and i won't even give you a good reason, "i just don't feel like dinner anymore. matter fact, i ate already. how bout we do this next time. =)" i wonder if you'll like that. maybe then, you might just know how i feel. then again, why give my hopes up for that as well. ha!

argh

i suppose i've officially rendered weak.  i can't accept anything for what they are.  i think i'm being lied to.  but then again, i don't care anymore.  i'm just so off of my own self that i can't clearly think.  how did become who i am today?  i'm not this weak, i'm suppose to be the strong one for all my babes.  i'm suppose to be the one that holds everyone up, to see them off, to make sure they are comfortable, to make sure that they are alright and to make sure that they always have someone to lean on when they need it.  and now, i feel like i need someone.  i don't like feeling like this...and lord help me.  i think i just need to be alone...i don't like being alone...being alone makes me think too much.  and i'm sure of it; thinking will be the death of me.  but i think i want a new chapter in my life.  one that i'm not ready to face and confront.  i'm afraid, scared, terrified, alone, and confused.  i'm just not happy anymore.  after all this time spent and all this effort, a part of me wants to just lose it all and start fresh and new somewhere else where no one knows me.  is it wrong for me to want all that?  i think it is.  i think it's very selfish of me.  not to consider anyone's thoughts, feelings, opinion and love.  who am i?

too much

maybe i am doing way too much, or you just aren't seeing things they way i want you to.  everything i do i do with a purpose.  maybe i am just a broad that just fucked up in the head.  i don't know how i can deal with this anymore.  i want to just give it all up.  walk away from it all and just disappear.  there's so many things that i can't explain why i feel the way i do.  and if i could explain it, i would.  no one seems to understand.  i'm tired of hiding it, tired of masking it, tired of trying to forget it.  i want to forget it all.  just lose it all.  but i still want it all.  this isn't me.  this is not who i am.  i'm stronger than this.  why am i so weak.  it hurts too much to even think about anything at all anymore.  my head hurts, my heart hurts my soul hurts my body hurts.  everything hurts.  i don't know what to think anymore.  with that smile on my face is what i'll keep wearing.  he doesn't know.  and if he does, he sure is acting like he don't see it.  but whatever.  we just gonna keep it as it is.  walls are getting higher and thicker.