alone

what good am i to you if i'm just here alone. never seem to get your attention. and when i finally do it just seems like it's half of it. how am i suppose to be a good person if you cease to even see what i'm trying to do for you. my feelings being pushed away further and further away. i don't know how to communicate with you any more. i'm just tired of trying to explain everything. time is of the essence. why do i feel like i'm fighting to even have an ounce of time with you. how can i compete? if anything, i have always competed with everything thing and every one in your walking life. all my friends are shit. i can't even find a decent person to hold a decent conversation with or to even do normal things that don't involved alcohol. i just want a normal life when i have a wonderful boyfriend who is in tune with my feelings instead of me just doing everything for him. it's a give and take relationship. i just feel like you don't even care, or notice that i don't feel appreciated at all. all the little things i do, is over looked. is there a night where i can just spend it with you? i guess shit like this don't exist anymore. there are only lies that we tell one another. laying in bed side by side with a stranger we don't know anymore. eating with someone just so we aren't alone. hold hands because it's suppose to be the right thing to do. saying "i love you" because that's what people who've been together as long as we have are suppose to do. i've pretty much given up on us. i don't know how much longer i can keep on trying. i'm just sick of coming in second. if you want to know the truth, you were never second, you made yourself second.

holding on

i feel like i'm holding onto nothing at this point of my life. i got rid of so many people in my life that i do cherish dearly in my life all because he don't like them. no i have not one soul to talk to. i can't talk to him because he don't want to listen. he won't listen. so i will continue to keep on pretending that everything is okay. i will hide all my tears, my pain, my open wounds away from him so he can see what he wants. what is the truth when we can't even talk to one another? how does this work? where do we go from here? you wanted to hurt me, now you have. just know that because i won't say anything, i'm not blind, i do see things. i know things. things you don't think i know but i do. i am just so close to just letting it all go. you want to talk about you and what I've done. but have you considered to think about what you've don't to me? and what you have done to affect me? you have very poor choice of words. maybe it is time for us to go our separate ways? if i'm alone, i won't have anyone to hurt me anymore. i can just be haunted by the thoughts of you and us. where am i suppose to go? what am i suppose to do? who am i suppose to be to you. do you even love me anymore?

the let downs.

i can tolerate the let downs from everyone, but the only let down i can't stomach is the ones you give me. in the beginning, everything was only centered on us. but as time progressed, you regressed from us. you let me down over and over in the littlest ways. even when you let me win or have my ways. you have no idea how much it hurts. and it still hurts. every day i live with the little let downs that presents itself at the exact moments where i'm most happiest. so please, don't talk about others grande appearances in my life periodically to let me down tremendously.

hauntings in forms of dreams

it's been while since i've seen him or spoken to him. but as of lately, i've been dreaming about him. this morning i woke up to a dream where we found one another in the back of  room filled with guns. he looked so skinny and happy. it made me smile. i found some food and as i turn around to hear the voices behind the door and wonder if my mom would see us, i see him returning from the door that leads to the outside. i asked him what he did and he said, "just locking the door so no one can come in here and find us. i don't want to not see you anymore. i missed you so much." and i said in reply, "you understand that because you locked that door, you should have locked that one over there. because that's the one that you need to lock. that's the one that everyone is at." he said, "it's okay, umm...the window. we can go through the window." i just laughed at him and said, "here eat some food. you gotten so skinny. eat!" his reply, "i've been losing weight and i'm almost at where i was when i first got out of prison." and i said, "starving yourself isn't good. so you better eat up." while he was eating i was looking into the lockers for the perfect gun. i was going to go shooting after all. he just so happened to show up where i was. i remember bitching softly under my breath about keng not throwing food away when it wasn't good anymore. lol. then i felt him behind me. his arms holding mine. i tensed. he let go and walked over to the window and seen people coming and opened the door. the people came back and the guy stared at him and it was as if he understood him. one quick movement, he grabbed his bag and a gun and said for me to take the gun i had in my hand. it was short and small. had a power button and it glowed blue when it was turned on. it kind of scared me. we left and walked along the river edge. suddenly he no longer looked like him...but that didn't matter. we came across some other people. warning us to keep going north and don't stop because the vampires were taking over the city. somehow, i knew he was a vampire. and i was sad. the lady who was doing all the talking walked right up to him and stared him down. i got so nervous because i was holding his hand, and if she found out that he was a vampire, then i would have to die as well. i saw something huge in the river. and i saw him look over at it. it opened it's mouth and i saw him open his. and then he pulled on my hand and we continued on the trail.

in a car with my siblings, with him driving. we were all going on vacation. i was so happy.everyone was happy. then we pulled over and everyone got out the the cars. i was yelling at no one in particular and realized everyone was out of the car. i walked out and crossed the street and i seen my brothers and sister in the middle of a lake setting up a game of baseball. i was so confused. my sister was putting the bases down and my nephew was running around doing the only things little boys do. i was scared to death. unsure of how to even get there. and i saw that it was deep and i didn't really know how to swim. i see lake seaweed thick along the drop. i was terrified. i looked at my sister in law who was by my side and she looked at me and said, " come on, girl, let's go. they ain't gonna wait for us or come and get us. we minus well just jump in and get it over with and get together with them!" i was beyond horrified. i didn't know what to do. i just held her hand and asked, "will you hold my hand? wait no, that's not smart. because if i drown, i'll be pulling you done with me. and i don't want to be held accountable for killing you by drowning." while i'm ranting off because i'm so scared, i watched as a couple of guys just jumped in and disappearing and then reappearing. all of a sudden i see her jumping and and i follow suit because i didn't want to be alone.

i was floating!!! yes i wasn't going to drown!!! and as i was floated i felt this force drawing me near the center of the lake where my family was. but i realized i had lost my necklace. i tried to go back and get it and the waves just pushed me towards the center. i gave up trying because i was scared i might drown. i swam to the corner where the trees met the lake shore and talked briefly with my sister and all of a sudden we ended up in the lake house. i really needed to pee. so did amy and maoshel. mykieu needed to shower. so we all entered the house looking scared. there were no light switches but turned on when we walked into rooms. mykieu took the first bathroom when i walked into it and realized it was only one room. then i realized, every door labeled as out was the bathroom. the pictures on the wall were kinda eerie and scary. just pictures of little girls. different ages, ethnicity weight and height. but they all wore the same dressed and posed the same way. i said to amy, "this is really scary and weird...wanna go into a bathroom with me?" she neverously said,"yes!" as she nodded at me and followed me into the bathroom.

and that's when i woke up. had it not been for my alarm, i would probably finished up the dream into something else. perhaps i really should stop reading before i go to sleep. lol

just the same

"you chase him and tell him that you're sorry even though it's not even your fault."

so what did you just do? you made me apologize for something i didn't even do, if not yet. i just woke up and you just started yelling. you asked what was wrong, i said nothing. why can't you just let that be just that. you say i attacked you. please. if i wanted to attack you i would have already. i just wanted to let it be where it was, yet you come back and texted me, unable to let it go. if it was something about you, i would have told you. i don't need you to badger me until i crack and it does involve you pissing me off.

every little thing that happens, you always use the fucken excuse, "if you don't think you can handle this," "if this isn't what you wanted," i think i understand where i'm suppose to go. you don't have to keep on saying these things. when you say these things, it just implies you have already let go. if you are ready to let go then just let it go, let me go. why do i have to be the one to make that decision. to me, i feel that you've already given that up. and the only reason why you are still around is because you can't let me go, you want me to do it. well, you know what. if i was the one to hurt you, hurt you so bad shouldn't you be the one to let me go? shouldn't you shun me out of your life because i did you so dirty, hurt you so bad, was the bad one? why do i have to make that decision?

i love you so much, but i am getting tired of your sense. maybe one day i will wake up and realize i don't need this from you. don't even say you don't even know yourself, you do. you always have. don't let me be the one to sway you from yourself. your view on love isn't as open as you think it is. i'm changing to be the woman you want me to be. i hope you see that. i'm your little mold. we'll see how far this goes, because you have pretty much asked for just that.

broken and lost

my heart is at a stand still where i'm not really quite sure where i want to go. i want to leave and i want to stay. i want to make it work and i want to give up. i have all the reasons to leave yet there seems to be some unseen reason why i don't want to let go. he doesn't know but i don't like that girl he talks to so very much. he hurts me when he doesn't listen to me. it's like i don't exist. i'm just background to him. there for his convenience. he said he will never cheat, but people can change. and what he's doing right now with that girl, is just as bad as cheating? it hurts. to see her text saying she's stressed and he responds back with, i'm here for you if you need anything. where's that when i'm stressed. all i get is, it's life. you deal with it. i'm so stressed, hurt, sad and depressed. i don't know where i'm suppose to go to. what i did to him doesn't pardon me in anyway.

he says tell me how you feel, don't water it down. when i do, i get sent to the lions. he's happy now and i'm not. i'm at all these cross roads and i have no idea where to go. he's not here to hold my hand. hell, he's not even besides me. a passing glance is what i feel he gives me. i try and i try to get him to notice me, but i don't think he sees it. the other night, he asked me all night what was wrong, yet he didn't seem to really mean it. it's like we are so comfortable with one another that asking seems to the the right thing to do. and to half listen to one another's problem is what's right. talking to him is like talking to an crowd. you hear them but you aren't really listening. this is how i feel.

a week or so ago, he got a text message from his cousins and brothers about a family member who just got to town and was visiting for a little while. why is it that fifteen minutes after he showed up that i was finally properly introduced. he doesn't seem to know how that makes me feel. like i'm nothing. like he's ashamed of me. i seen his brother introduced him to their family friend as soon as he walked into the bar. i seriously had to kick him three times. and this man is suppose to be the man that you were inseparable with as a child. never once have i not introduced him to any of my friends. important or not. he told me over the summer that the reason why he didn't introduce me to some of these people was because they weren't important. i'm sorry, but if you have a FIANCE, i think that person is pretty damn important enough to introduce to everyone, regardless if we both have agreed to title ourselves as boyfriend and girlfriend.

i really want to give up. but something inside of me tells me i need to stay. something great is going to come out of this, of us. but i'm just feeling tortured for the time being. like i'm an afterthought. my heart has been hurting for a long while now. and he is too blind to see it. please, i just need a sign as to of what i should do. where i'm suppose to go. everything just seems to be spiraling down and picking up more and more speed. and here i am falling faster and deeper than i can believe. i need hope. i have the faith, but my faith is wearing thin.

my fears are coming true.

missing

some days it's better than others. I think about you every morning and every night before I go to bed. I wonder how you're doing and what you're doing and if you're staying out of trouble. if you found someone new or If your still alone. it's been too long. I do miss you. not sure if you really do. I truly do miss you. but time has made me a better and stronger person. and it has shown me how much you really do care about me. I would have gotten a better idea had you really just told me instead of acting like I know. I'm no mind reader. I'm a simple girl. whatever. life moves on and I will, just like you are. I still love you and will always love you.

thoughts

sometimes I wonder if this is what he really wants

a start to the end or and end to the start?

another year has passed, and i do strongly and truly believe that this year will be no different. i have no desire to change who i am right now. i also have no desire and or motivation for anything anymore. i do not wish to have a great year. i just want to have a year that will be decent for me. everything for me seems to be failing, so i'll just let it fail. if it does not. i'm grateful for that. i suppose it's time for me to put myself in the back burner once more and just put everyone else up front. because when i do try to be selfish about any small thing, hell just breaks loose. and i'm tired to explaining myself and my actions. what i fear the most is what i have become. i've created a monster in the process. i just want my soul to heal. life is about today, not yesterday but do look forward to tomorrow. i will live today. i will look forward to tomorrow for yesterday i cannot change. here's to another year.

talk

can we just talk about us. not about your jobs, not about the girls, not about volleyball and not about just how our day was. i just want to have a meaningful conversation where i can be heard. i'm gone at work all day and so are you. but i'm slowly breaking apart just knowing that fact that there is no communication any more. i feel like crying every day because i know that you aren't going to even say hello to me. first thing i hear after you get home and say hi, is volleyball. it's fine that you are very passinate about that sport, but understand that that is not something that i am passionate about. i'm passionate about the face that you are passionate about it. i always ask how you are doing, but you never ask me how i'm doing. i'm so close to my breaking point of just bawling my eyes out every time i see you. and i'm scared when you open your mouth because all i'm going to hear is volleyball.

every now and then i want to talk about me. yes i vent to you about work, but when i'm done, i don't want to talk or even think about work. i'm screaming for attention and you just over look that fact. i don't even know what i'm going to do. i feel so alone all the time. i'm so stressed out about this and yet you don't see it at all. i tell you i miss you and you just say it right back. i don't really hear any real meaning behind it. when i tell you i miss you i really truly mean it to the point where i'm almost in tears. yet you just look away and start up another conversation about volleyball. i don't even know who you are anymore, and i no longer know who i am either. i just feel like i'm just sitting here waiting for you to come home, except, the man that comes home, isn't the man i remembered. i'm slowly dying inside, please come and save me. i no longer have the strenght to save myself.

normal

what is normal? as of lately, feeling normal to me is just being overly tired, sad, mad, like giving up, and most of all, self hatred. every morning is a blessing i'm still alive and well but i don't feel like how i used to where i felt like i had a purpose. it's funny, i remember some of these feelings. like feelings of what am i going to do with my life for the rest of my life. i'm at fork in the road, and i'm trying to figure out where my next success is going to be paved. i don't think i've felt this useless, hopeless, clueless, alone and confused. i need to get my mind of thoughts i don't want to think about. when i think about these thoughts i become sad, and i don't want to be sad anymore. i want to forget the pain and just work on my success. i truly believe in my heart that when i'm successful, i deal with whatever comes my way. but for now, i just need something...anything! i'm just so lost in such a dark place. i want to be normal again, that's all i ask.

hauntings

dreams of him makes me wake up with tears. i don't want to know what it means, i just wish i didn't dream of him. it hurts every time. i cry every time. however, it all boils down to, i'm happy i can see him in my dreams, it's the only time i can see him. it's the only time i can have interaction with him. when i do see him in my dreams, it's so haunting. like, he's trying to tell me something but he can't. i wish i could understand. but even with all these mixed emotions, i'm reminded of why i'm without a friend and why i'm in the situation i'm at. i feel like i can't keep it all together anymore. i feel weak, dumb and stupid. like a fool. maybe i am and i need to stop trying to pretend strong.

don't talk about it

when i talk about it, i get so emotional. i just cry. i can't handle it when i have to share. it's just better if i keep it to myself. i don't like to show others how vurenable i can be. i don't like to burden others with my issues. and if i don't talk about it, it's okay. i can deal with it. let me deal with it my own way. i can't have everything i know, but just let me keep this issue to myself. it's the only way i can cope.

day to day

they say it gets better every day and it really does, but it also reminder of what it was and what i had. i'm grateful for what i have now. but deep down inside, some days, it's just too much to bear. i'm not okay today. tomorrow i will as i was yesterday. sometimes the pain of losing is a bit much. i may hide it well, but only in my privacy will i shed my tears of sorrow and my cries of pain. in front of others is only when i can shower my love and smile with my happiness. i'm not tring to be like this, i just choose and think that this is how i should display my feelings. i'm not wrong, i just don't want people questioning my day to day living.

as if the day to day thing is hard, it's the moments where i have these memories that come flashing through. so vivid and colourful, it's so blinding. great moments to horrible moments with everyone and everything. it's almost too much to bear sometimes.

i've put all my time and energy to love. but why do i still like i'm not completely full? he says we are hanging on a thread...i know we are. but in these darkest hours...i've never loved him more...yet i'm not feeling like i should be full? i want to be full, i want to feel whole, i want to feel like how i used to. i don't want to go through these days with these moments. i just want to be happy. could it be that i no longer love myself? that i hate myself? that i can't forgive myself? or that i'm loving when i'm lost and i can't find my way out with love?

dreams

Car
To dream that you are driving a car denotes your ambition, your drive and your ability to navigate from one stage of your life to another. Consider how smooth or rough the car ride is. If you are driving the car, then you are taking an active role in the way your life is going. However, if you are the passenger, then you are taking a passive role. If you are in the backseat of the car, then it indicates that you are putting yourself down and are allowing others to take over. This may be a result of low self-esteem or low self-confidence. Overall, this dream symbol is an indication of your dependence and degree of control you have on your life.

To dream that you forget or can't find where you parked your car indicates that you are dissatisfied or unhappy with an aspect of your waking life. You do not know what you really want to do with your life or where you want to go. To dream that your car has been stolen indicates that you are being stripped of your identity. This may relate to losing your job, a failed relationship, or some situation which has played a significant role in your identity and who you are as a person. If you dream that your car is overheating, then it suggests that you are expending too much energy. You need to slow down or run the risk of being burnt out. You are taking on more than you can handle. It is time to take a breather.

Rape
To dream that you have been raped indicates vengeful or resentful feelings toward the opposite sex. You feel that you have been violated or that you have been taken advantage of. Something or someone is jeopardizing your self-esteem and emotional well-being. Things are being forced upon you. Dreams of rape are also common for those who were actually raped in their waking life.

Fighting

To see others fighting in your dream suggests that you are unwilling to acknowledge your own problems and turmoil. You are not taking any responsibility or initiative in trying to resolve issues in your waking life.

Walking

To dream that you have difficulties walking indicates that you are reluctant and hesitant in proceeding forward in some situation. You may also be trying to distance yourself from certain life experiences.� The difficulty in walking is a reflection of your current situation and the obstacles that you are experiencing.

Parking Structure
To see or dream that you are in a parking structure suggests that you are going around in circles in some area of your life. You are feeling lost in what you want to do. If you cannot find your car, then it means that you have lost a little bit of yourself along the way toward your goals. You are turning into someone you dread or someone you don't know anymore.

hurt

everyday it hurts a little less and more. i know i just totally did not make sense. every day is a struggle to forget the what happened and the what was and the what will be and what is. i'm not ready to make peace with myself or anyone. so i lock myself up within myself and tell me that i will be okay. this is the way i cope with my troubles. the wounds that won't heal are constantly ripped open and salt and sand is sprinkled and rubbed raw until i see nothing but red and i feel numb. numb...it's what i've been for the longest time. i have no one to blame for but myself. there is no one to point the finger at but myself. he said that he felt like he was alone in this; he's not. i'm here for him. it is i who is alone in this. it's not like this is what i wanted. i wanted it to be all different. what i had imagined in my head was never this. but what happened is what happened and i have to live with the decisions. i don't want to ask for anymore than what i am handed. i feel so selfish if i asked. i'm so scared to speak how i really feel; so scared that i can't even write it down. for once in my life, i'm at a total lost for words and thoughts. so everyday, the pain is lifted a little bit and then at the end of the day, i'm just reminded of how much it hurts. but it is what it is.

fears and tears

when i say i love you, i mean it. when i say i miss you, i meant it too. when i say i need you, i really need you. when you stop hearing those things coming from my mouth you should start to worry.

a couple of my fears are for not a single soul to not understand me at all. and as of late, it's a big thing. i try so hard to explain and make it clear, but nothing! it seems like no one wants to take me serious enough. i'm tired of this. i'm 27, i don't need to be looked at as a mindless, careless and irresponsible 17 year old! i know what i want and i know what i don't need. when i say something don't look at me like i'm crazy. and yes, i may come off as a little "off", but i know what it is that i want. even if it's a bad idea. i tend to be not right in the head, but these crazy things that i think of and come up with are what i feel is right. so when you laugh in my face, remember that you just killed a little at a time.

when i shed a tear, it means that i care enough for you to cry. even if i don't know you, you obviously had that kind of impact on me. don't take me for granted and don't think that i'm that emotional. there is a life force connection of some sort that i can feel your pain, sorrow and happiness that i can cry and laugh and feel the same way you do. don't for one second think i'm faking it. i don't fake my emotions.

i don't ask for much, but when i do ask for your undivided attention, i really need it. it means that i'm out of sorts and i need someone to just be there for me. a shoulder to cry on, a friend to make me laugh or just someone to hold me. i and self sufficent enough to do things on my own, but when i say i need you, i really need you. meaning i've done everything that i can already and i can't do this alone. don't deny me, i won't resent it nor will i hold a grudge. what i get from that will be don't ask them again. and maybe you will think twice about it. i will continue on doing things for you, until i feel that i don't need to anymore. and when that happens, you won't realize that you just lost someone.

i'm not a child, just tell me what you want. i'm telling you what i want. just keep it real with me.

what you think you know about me

whatever it is that you think you know about me isn't what you thought you did, it's what you assumed you knew. time has come and passed, no one ever stays the same. we are humans and humans are made to adapt. for whatever reason that you can't adapt, i'm sorry, but you will be left behind to be ridiculed.

i'm sorry if i'm a mess, but if you can't help me in any way, just tell me, i'm fine without your help. just don't make a poor excuse and pretend that you do care and that you do want to help. save your pity for someone else who can't tell the difference between pity and sympathy.

i'm sick and tired of everyone telling me what is good for me. if that's the case then just let me leave and don't present me with your issues. if i can't handle my own issues, doesn't that mean i can't help you solve your's? and if we were friends, wouldn't you want to help me solve my problems as well? why is it that i feel like i'm only there for you but when i need someone the most, everyone is quick to turn their shoulders on me? there is a reason why i have no friends.

lonely is what i'll have to accept. i can't deal with two faced people who claim to be things that they can't. or make promises that they can't keep. and make plans that fall through. i go through this every couple of months. why can't i find people who are on my level?!

i'm not the same person i was a five-ten years ago, let alone last year.

just be real with me. that's all i'm asking.

which bad friend are you?

fake friends all around me. when i need you, you ain't no where to be found. i never asked for you fucken advice i just want you to just shut the fuck up and just listen. stop trying to act like you know what the fuck i'm going through, because last i checked, you didn't know me when it happened. nor do you know what it is because you ain't never been in a relationship or never really had any real friends.

i'm also getting very fucken tired of listening to your repeat of a fucken problem. talking about the same issue you've have for years. bitch, if you don't like the situation, change it. this shit ain't no phase. if it was a phase, you'd be so over it already. quit lying to yourself.

a good friend is hard to find, unfortunately, in our friendship, it seems to only be one way. i was the good friend. i was the one you could trust. i can't trust you. because i can't even count on you for simple things. yes we get together and nothing has changed, but i can't deal with people who claim to be my good friend with tons of baggages.

letting a man change who you are, what you do, who you hang out with and everything else is just fucken wrong. i can't be that friend who waits on your hand and feet when you do that to your fucken man. sorry, i have a life and though it may not be the greateset, i love it. do you love your pathetic life?

nothing changes a friendship more than mixed and confused feelings. just let it be. ride it out like how a woman rides a dick. for goodness sake!!! you want this, then you want that! i give and i give to you what you ask for, but everytime i do as you say, you want something else. well, in that case fuck it. i ain't got the time. when i let you go, you will be sorry as fuck and lonely like where you were for the past five years.

the only thing that i realized in this short life of mine, is that i can only count on myself. friends comes and go, when i went through my absolute low, my rock bottom, none of you bitches were there. the only one person who was there to pick up my broken body, my shattered heart and my dashed hopes was the man i thought i was going to use. sad where i'm at, which is great, and where you are. no one will ever comprend me and i prefer it like that.

my life is mine. your life is your's. stop trying to fuck with mine.

the convient friend.

is it really that neccessary for you to repeatedly make plans with me and blow me off after i've clearly cleared my whole schedule out for you? do you really have to answer my question? no. know why? because i already know the answer to my own question. what is it you ask? the answer to that is yes. not sure if you know you are doing it, you are. i just don't know if it's intentional or accidental. whatever the case may be, i really don't give a crap. you tell me, "oh, let's get together and do something soon, i miss you so much! it's been forever! i know! let's do dinner!!!" and then the day comes...and i'm having dinner with myself. brilliant i say. smh. even after i keep telling myself that you will come through, or that you won't disappoint me this time or just give you the benefit of the doubt, i always get the same outcome; you don't follow through. so, i believe it's time for to just ignore all your calls, texts, and emails. i don't need a relationship of a 'friend' that is convient at your convience. i need a friend that will be at my and their convience. as of late, i'm starting to see that a lot of my friends are treating me like the convient friend. only thing is, they seem to think i don't know that i already know. however, i think they lack the knowledge that, it's me that they really need, or that without me, they'd be nothing. i'm not saying i'm the bestest best friend in the world, no. i just wanted to be treated like a friend. i'm just tired of hearing, "she fucked me over, but you, you will never change. no matter how much time has passed between our last encounter, we pick up right where we left off as if months hadn't past us by. you really are my one and only true friend." well, hell, if that's the case then, why am i sitting at home wondering why you out there with them, "them" are the ones that "fucked you over" just last night. ha! seems like you just like bitch friends. i'm done. i can't do this anymore. all this complaining and i'm still second to last. thank you for making me feel so nice and loved. next time i am proposed with another, "hey! let's do dinner! it's been way too long!!!" i'll smile and comply and then an half hour before dinner and i won't even give you a good reason, "i just don't feel like dinner anymore. matter fact, i ate already. how bout we do this next time. =)" i wonder if you'll like that. maybe then, you might just know how i feel. then again, why give my hopes up for that as well. ha!